The anniversaries begin, not the birthdays, not the celebrations, but the it's been a year since, leading up to the big day, which is the day I said goodbye.
I know no one cares and I know it's just me who will carry this forever in my heart, but on this day a year ago I got my BFP with Emma and Chase. I found out I was going to be a mom again and Katie a big sister. I did suspect twins from the start, so finding that out later didn't surprise me.
It's been a hard day at work, but a rough day emotionally. Morning sickness is hitting me now and the pregnancy I've been trying to pretend doesn't exist for at least another two weeks when I have to go to my ultrasound is harder to avoid. I honestly just feel so lost and so scared and so alone. This is such a hard, hard journey. I miss them with everything in me. I miss them so much. I am glad I'm pregnant, I am glad I have this baby, but the longing and the yearning and the missing them will never stop. I hope this baby joins Katie and not them, but I have to resign myself to what is because I have no control over it. Whatever happens, happens. I feel so guilty for how I'm feeling, but I'm not going to lie to myself. I'm so scared and I'm so sorry for all that's happened. I want to be the best mom to all my kids, I'm just not doing a great job right now.
To Emma and Chase, your story began a year ago today for me. Your story ended to many in late May, but your story will never end for me. I miss you both so much. I love you.