Thursday, February 4, 2016

And so the anniversaries begin......

The anniversaries begin, not the birthdays, not the celebrations, but the it's been a year since, leading up to the big day, which is the day I said goodbye.

I know no one cares and I know it's just me who will carry this forever in my heart, but on this day a year ago I got my BFP with Emma and Chase.  I found out I was going to be a mom again and Katie a big sister.  I did suspect twins from the start, so finding that out later didn't surprise me.

It's been a hard day at work, but a rough day emotionally.  Morning sickness is hitting me now and the pregnancy I've been trying to pretend doesn't exist for at least another two weeks when I have to go to my ultrasound is harder to avoid.  I honestly just feel so lost and so scared and so alone.  This is such a hard, hard journey.  I miss them with everything in me.  I miss them so much.  I am glad I'm pregnant, I am glad I have this baby, but the longing and the yearning and the missing them will never stop.  I hope this baby joins Katie and not them, but I have to resign myself to what is because I have no control over it. Whatever happens, happens.  I feel so guilty for how I'm feeling, but I'm not going to lie to myself.  I'm so scared and I'm so sorry for all that's happened.  I want to be the best mom to all my kids, I'm just not doing a great job right now.

To Emma and Chase, your story began a year ago today for me.  Your story ended to many in late May, but your story will never end for me.  I miss you both so much.  I love you.


  1. I care. Memory of a BFP is a big deal! I'm sorry you feel so scared and alone... wishing you peace and I hope that the next two weeks pass quickly for you.

    1. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  2. I care, too... I check your blog every day to see how you're doing.