Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Another Angel...

Maybe deep down, I knew this would happen.  Maybe I was just scared this would happen.  I don't know.  Today I am 7 weeks and had my first ultrasound.  I expected to see a baby with a heartbeat.  It took them a long time to even see a baby and this baby either doesn't have a heartbeat or barely has one.  Either way it wasn't detected.  The yolk sac was enlarged too.  I was told these are classic signs of a chromosomal abnormality-one that isn't compatible with life.

I was given the option of coming back in a week, if I insist, but basically there isn't going to be a baby. I can just extend all this another week by continuing to take progesterone or I can stop and let nature and my body, hopefully do its thing.  

My husband and I talked in the car and we're leaning towards stopping the progesterone and letting my body take care of things, or seeing if my body does.  They want me to call back in a week if I do stop and nothing happens. I'll see if he still feels this way tonight, but I've never seen my REs office give up hope, even when I did.  This time they told me they're sorry, but this pregnancy is non-viable.

Here's the only picture I'll have of baby "Ivy".  I hope Emma and Chase will be with this baby or already are.  

I'm editing this post since I thought of some things I wanted to add.  I'm not deleting anything that was previously here.

I was a bad mom to this poor, sweet baby.  I deserve this loss.  I was very upset about "replacing" Emma and Chase and knowing this baby was only here because they died.  This was "MY" problem, not Ivy's.  Ivy was nothing but amazing and I'm sorry I'll never get to meet or know him/her.  I know in time I would've been excited, heck, even today I felt hope as I went to the REs office and eagerly awaited to see the h/b.  Too little, too late.

I had a dream last night.  I woke up in the motn with anxiety and nauseousness.  After I fell back asleep I dreamed I was at my REs office and they messed up and didn't have me on the schedule. I begged and pleaded to see the baby, but they said there was nothing they could do.  I started crying and screaming, "Ivy please don't leave me", just over and over again.  Today, this. DH had a dream shortly after my BFP that he was holding a baby girl with something significantly wrong with her.

At the moment I'm very numb and sad and feel very, very guilty.  I had some minor cramping yesterday and I've been feeling them all afternoon.  My body is very good at expelling children, not so much at keeping them safe.



3 comments:

  1. Oh sweet momma you DO NOT DESERVE THIS. Don't believe that for a second. You have known one of the most nastiest losses known to any woman TWICE. Your grief and fear that came with a new pregnancy is normal considering the hell you went through. Please don't let yourself believe this is your fault or that you did this. I am so incredibly sorry for you. I know your babies in heaven see you and see you as brave.

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  2. This just sucks. I'm so sorry. I felt very, very distant from kins when he was in utero. After a loss at 19 weeks- I couldn't get close to him. Once he was here- my god I love this child. You were protecting your heart- or may be you knew deep down something was wrong. There is no part of me, or anyone who reads this, who would think you deserved a loss- you deserve more than most an easy happy pregnancy. I hope you have one.

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  3. You have to stop blaming yourself and beating yourself up. If you were reading this story from a fellow blogger's post, I know you would have nothing but compassion and kinds words to say to her. You wouldn't blame anyone else for her loss, so why do you keep doing it to yourself? It's not very eloquent or hardly an acceptable explanation, but it's been a run of bad luck. I hope the tides will turn for you soon.

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