Friday, February 26, 2016

Cytotec Fail

This past week has been incredibly emotional and just hard.  Physically and emotionally.

I ended up talking to my boss about the situation.  Turns out he and his wife also have infertility and they only have one child.  He was wonderful and sympathetic and said to do what I need to do.

I had some drama getting the cytotec.  Apparently the pharmacy didn't know the dosage, they had to call my doctor, I had to call everyone and bug the crap out of them, but finally I got the damn pills. My plan was to take them Tuesday after work and then from what I read and heard from others, things were to kick in around 4-6 hours.  5.5 hours after I inserted them I had some bleeding.  I had two small clots, nothing exciting.  The cytotec pills came out whole, not at all dissolved.  That was pretty much the extent of everything.  The pain was less than AF, the blood barely anything.  I hardly slept since I was waiting for things to kick in and just very, very emotional.

I thought a lot about how I failed Ivy.  I love her so much and I know that it was that love that kept me from trying to get too close.  I thought if I lost her, it wouldn't hurt.  I was wrong.  Oh, how I feel I wronged this sweet child.  I didn't allow her into my heart until it was too late.  I cried about the twins that were gone, instead of bracing the child I could've had, but now I won't have her either.  I miss her and I'm sorry I failed her. She was an innocent.  A precious and wonderful baby who is gone and she didn't get my all and now it's too late.  I can't ever fix it.  I hope she knows how truly sorry I really am, how much I wish I could change it, fix it, tell her what she means to me.

I went in today for my followup to see how things looked.  Things looked exactly the same.  For the third time I saw my lifeless baby in my uterus.  She hasn't grown since that first ultrasound and there is no heartbeat.  I even let myself pray for a second that she'd magically be okay.  Of course I knew better, of course, but my heart still sank when I saw her.

Some good friends of mine sent me an Ivy plant.  When I thought the cytotec might work, I'd planned to find her and bury her in the plant.  At least giving her some kind of burial. I'll ask my RE if I can take her home, but I doubt I'll be allowed to.  My heart breaks that two of my kids were cremated, but she might be simply disposed.  I want her.

My D&C is scheduled on Tuesday, March 1st in the afternoon.  New month, clear uterus. My prayer is that I stop wanting another living child.  That I somehow learn to let go.  I don't know the reality is possible and I don't know that I can take the pain of another loss or a failed treatment.  I have time to think about this since I don't even have the money and I think there's a wait time after the D&C anyways.  If I do, it's going to be the "Hail Mary" and the very last attempt.  For now, I just hope the desire and longing leaves my heart.  I'm just full of pain right now.  So much pain and helplessness.

It hurts to look at Katie sometimes.  I love her so much. I love being a mom.  I want my children.  I wanted the joy of raising another, of having Katie grow up with a partner.  The sibling fights, the playing, just everything that comes with it.  Even the not so wonderful experiences are wonderful to me because without Katie I wouldn't have them.  Now I probably won't get to experience what comes with a raising a sibling.

Today is 9 months since Chase was born and yesterday Emma.  9 months, 3 losses.


2 comments:

  1. There are no words except this sucks and I'm sorry. Sending you strength for tomorrow... -Polly

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  2. As someone who has had to tell hundreds of couples that they miscarried a pregnancy, I always make a point to make sure she leaves the office knowing that nothing she did or didn't do caused the miscarriage. I know sometimes it would be easier to have an explainable cause, then for the future you could just do X or avoid Y and have a better result. Nothing you could have done differently could have changed this outcome. You need to stop assessing the situation and working backward to apply blame to yourself. It's life being unfair, and it's not your fault.

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