Sunday, February 21, 2016

Feeling like I'm in a nightmare

I've been having a VERY hard time.  I'm extremely baffled, stressed, and depressed. I want Ivy more than anything.  I realize my feelings from before were from fear, fear of having to say goodbye.  Well, that fear doesn't make it any easier, not at all. I love Ivy with all my heart, as much as my other three children.

Physically-Nothing seems to be happening at all. I've had some minor cramping, a little bit of spotting, none of it bright red. I was asked if I was spotting or bleeding at my ultrasound, because she could see some blood. I wasn't at the time and even now, I'm talking not much at all. Nothing like at the beginning of the pregnancy. I still feel nauseous. I actually took a med this morning because it hit me bad during the night. I can't see them telling me this isn't viable and Ivy is okay, but this isn't making much sense either. No one is perfect and there is a very small part of me, and maybe its just desperation, but is it possible they were wrong? That Ivy is just a bit behind schedule, but okay? It's still so early and the twins were slightly off at first too. I had smaller betas than before, that weird bleeding at the beginning, I just wonder if maybe everything is fine, Ivy is just a bit behind than my others were. I might give a call tomorrow and see if my RE himself will do the ultrasound, rather than the nurse practitioner. I just don't know anymore. I also feel like I'm probably being stupid and trying to cling to any false hope. I just don't know.

At the same time, I KNOW babies don't measure almost a week behind and turn out okay. That isn't possible, right?  When the twins measured off at the 6 week appt though, I was told it was most likely okay, it was early.  They didn't say that this time.  I didn't ask the amount of questions I normally would because I was in shock.  I just don't know.  I want this to be over, preferably with my REs office having made the mistake.  I want to keep Ivy.  I want Ivy to come home with me.  But either way, this second guessing it making a hard situation even harder.  I don't know anymore and at the same time I feel like a stupid idiot who wants this baby so bad, she's ignoring logic and truth.

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