Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Struggling

I'm having a harder time than I realized with this pregnancy.  Almost to the point where I'm about to have a panic attack.  I'm also debating switching counselors.  I wanted to talk more about my emotional issues regarding pregnancy and she wants to focus more on the anxiety I have with certain things.  I feel alone and without my resources and I'm scared to be too open for fear of judgement.

I know I want Kate to have a living sibling and I know I want to be pregnant again.  I have a lot of support and people who are happy, excited, and hopeful for me.

However, especially since yesterday, I find myself struggling more to be happy about being pregnant.  All I can think about are Emma and Chase.  I spent hours last night (insomnia) looking at pictures of them, before and after they were born and just panicking at the thought of having to look at an u/s screen and see a diff baby.  I honestly don't know that I can do it.  I want to cancel the u/s and not really face the fact that I am pregnant.  I try to avoid talking about Ivy with people I know who know (I've kept this news to a very small circle) because all I hear is unicorns and glitter and how happy everyone is for me.

I miss Emma and Chase.  I miss the children that are here.  It's been almost a year since they entered a part of my life and they were here for such a short time.  19 weeks is substantial in pregnancy weeks, but that's it.  Otherwise it's just nothing.  I'm so sad and I miss them so much.  I keep hoping I'll wake up from the nightmare, that somehow they'll be with me again and not gone from me.  But this is the reality of what is.  I have to move forward and I have a chance to maybe parent this baby, the way I do Katie, and not the way I do them.  I just don't know how, I don't know that I can do it.  Even right now as I'm typing this I'm just crying.

I feel I failed Emma and Chase.  I moved on and conceived another.  I'm failing Ivy, by grieving more for what's gone, then looking and being happy for the possibility of what might be.  I'm failing Katie too because I'm wrapped up in all of this and here's a real life child that I do have.  I feel I'm failing everyone.

People around me are happy for me, my husband is ecstatic, but I just sit here and cry.  I don't know how to do this, I don't know how to make anything okay.  Maybe I wasn't ready, but I know I wanted Katie to have a living sibling and with DOR and turning 35 and her 3 in December, I just felt I was running out of time.  There's no guarantee this will work either.  People and their "good feelings", no one told me a year ago they had a bad feeling about Emma and Chase. You don't think that when people say they are pregnant.

Anyways, I know I'm rambling, this is just all in me without any outlet or anyone I can talk to, although I've found a great new FB group that has been more than amazing.  I feel bad to dump all this on them and I just joined.

Sorry for the rambles, just needed to express all that is going on within me.  The truth is, I'm scared of Ivy.  I'm sorry.

1 comment:

  1. Oh sweet momma, feel what you need to feel. I know we all greive differently, but I almost felt like Noah and Beckom were a gift from Jude and Brinly. They are their siblings. Raising them has given me a little glimpse of what it would have been like to raise their older siblings, and it's oddly comforting. I didn't blog about it but we just had a failed FET cycle of our only female embryo left. It hit me harder than I thought knowing I will never have a daughter in this life with me. Brinly was lost too soon. I have all kinds of guilt with this too because I was lucky enough to get twins through a surrogate. It's a very lonely road. I bet there is a lot of fear, but oh the joy that will come as your body carries this sweet baby/sibling into your lives. Sorry you are scared and sorry we got this crappy deck of cards with infertility. I am happy for you. <3

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