It's the weekend before my ultrasound. I'm going to sound like a terrible person and horrible mom, but I'm not ready. I don't think I can do this ultrasound. I honestly don't know how I'm going to look at the screen and see a different baby. I know I sound awful.
I'm struggling so much and I sometimes wonder if I've made a mistake, or maybe it's just grief and fear. I don't know. I want to cry and this past week have cried so much. I feel like I'm reliving the twins pregnancy right now. Unable to separate the two worlds. Except I know how the story ends. I'm just remembering all the little details, how I felt, especially as pregnancy symptoms are kicking back in. I haven't been feeling great, but I remember how much worse I felt with them, especially as the pregnancy progressed. All the pressure and pain and how even simple tasks were hard. When I think of ultrasound I remember the last time I saw them. Seeing Emma on the screen. Alive, strong heart, perfect. Then being told there was nothing anyone could do. She was going to die. Knowing I just saw her alive for the last time. Lying in a room waiting for now living baby to be born dead. My little girl, who I didn't even know was my daughter until I had to say goodbye. I see it all over again. Holding Emma in my arms, looking at the ultrasound and seeing Chase, the Chase I waited for ever since I can remember. Looking and see him healthy and strong. Praying with everything in me that he please, please stay and make it. Being told he probably wouldn't. I lost him the day after Emma. I keep replaying these over and over in my head. I don't know how I can face another ultrasound machine and see Ivy. I just don't.
Tears are streaming down my face now. I don't know how to do this pregnancy. I'm such a shitty mom to Ivy, I really am. How can I let down my baby already? This innocent baby that I went out of my way to bring to life? How dare I? I'm awful. I feel like a shit mom to Emma and Chase because of what I've done too. I just feel horrible all around. This baby doesn't get the joy the other three did. Instead this baby, this innocent child, has to deal with my sorrow. I'm trying hard for Ivy. I ordered a book that should be here in a few days that might help. I got to counseling, although I'm unsure if it's effective anymore and I'm thinking of stopping. I don't know.
I want life to somehow be okay and I just don't know if it's going to be. I really don't. Ivy, I'm sorry. I do love you, I'm just in so much pain, I'm so sorry.