Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Trapped

I'm trapped within myself and I don't know how to be free.  I called my pcp on Monday because of how bad I was doing, that day was horrific in terms of mood.  To the point where I was holding my head and just rocking back and forth just begging to function.  Got into a bad fight with my mom, everything was wrong.

My Lexapro was decreased from 20 mg to 10 mg and Klonopin 0.5 mg am and pm. I did a bit better yesterday, but today not so good.  I called back early this morning, was told I'd get a call back pretty quickly.  3 hours later and I'm still waiting.  I'm at work doing the bare minimum and just trying to function.

My friend texted me a dream where I was 38 weeks preg and she and her hubby came to help me set up the nursery because I was too scared to do it any earlier. As I sit here trapped within myself, reliving a life that's now a year old, I can't even imagine any of that ever being true.  Any of that ever happening.  I'm scared, I'm confused, I don't know how it's ever going to be okay again.  I'm debating tossing away all the meds.  I don't know.  I don't know how to get help.  I just want to disappear.  I want to hide under a rock away from society.  Away from everyone I know and just stare at pictures of Katie.  I'm so sorry Katie that mommy is so broken.  I'm sorry Emma, Chase, and Ivy, and my amazing husband David.  Sorry to all the friends I let down and family.  Sorry that I'm not there for anyone the way I once was.  That I'm not even a person anymore, I don't know what I am.  Just a broken thing.  I've failed everyone I love.  I'm just not okay.  I wish I was.  I'm sorry.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Easter

Last Easter..... We went out for a nice lunch about an hour away near the water. I hurt so bad that day. I was taking my Tylenol 3 the min my watch said I could take the next one. I whispered to DH to please help run after Kate, hold her, etc. that I hurt a lot and just walking was very painful. I told him not to draw attn to how I felt, I didn't want questions or ppl looking at me. I didn't want anyone to think I was faking or drawing attn just because they were twins.


Was that the beginning? Was I sick then or starting to get sick? Were they suffering while I was having Easter with my family? An Easter they'd never know or experience?



Saturday, March 26, 2016

10 months

I'm having a hard time posting because the anxiety is so bad right now.  I'm mostly hiding on the online world, but even this blog is hard.  I want to hide and crawl under a rock where no one can find me.  I want to just run away.

10 months now.  It's been 10 month since I lost them.  I'm having conversations with DH on what to do for their one year.  Planning how to commemorate a year since they are gone.  There is nothing I can that will ever show the magnitude that they are gone from my life.  That this huge hole has been left.

On Thurs I saw my pcp.  I told her I've been struggling badly with anxiety, she gave me Klonopin instead of the Xanax I'd been taking and then increased my Lexapro to 20 mg from 10 mg.  This is my second day on it and so far it's been horrible.  My anxiety it near panic levels, I feel agitated, paranoid, exhausted, even though I'm not really able to sleep.  I passed out for 90 minutes yesterday.  I'm just really struggling.

Had a second counselling appt on Wed.  Went okay.  Did a lot of background stuff and info and prepped for next EMDR session this coming Monday.  I also have another appt Wed.  Trying to double up a bit to see if I can get better quicker, because right now I'm struggling.

Interview also got moved to Monday morning, but I'm really not expecting much from that.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

EMDR, take 1

I had counseling yesterday, which was my first EMDR session.  I honestly had no idea what to expect and was very anxious leading up to it.  In general, my anxiety has been horrible, to the point of waking up with panic attacks or with severe enough anxiety that I was usually taking Xanax by mid-morning.

This is the first morning I did not wake up from anxiety and I've not had to take Xanax and I'm mostly okay.  I have really bad LP cramping (ovulated yesterday) and I'm tired because the session was intense and it was hard to come down from that.  I also may have the stomach bug that's been going around, but not sure.  My stomach is feeling better, but I was pretty nauseous this morning.

Anyways, pretty much the session started with how I've been doing since last week.  I told her about Thursday and all my anxiety.  We talked about the way I felt about myself, that I feel worthless as a woman, well, worthless in general and what the positive outcome was.  I said I'd like to believe I'm capable of having another living child, but honestly, that is out of my control, so I said that I am worth something.

*trigger session details*

She then said when I think of my kids what pops to mind.  I said it was the u/s where I saw the twins and then was told Emma was going to be born within 24 hours and she would be dead.  She said start with that in my mind and then she waved her hand back and forth for I think 30 seconds, but I wasn't counting.  At first I didn't feel anything, then I started to feel anxiety, then I started to think about my kids.  I started crying (first time to ever cry during counseling) and saying how much I missed them, wished I could've saved them, wish I could hold them. I thought about Ivy and how guilty and bad I felt during the pregnancy.  How sorry I was and how much I love her.  I thought about the day of the D&C, in the OR I was yelling I miss my babies, I love them, and they knocked me out pretty quickly at that point.  I woke up from the D&C crying for my kids too. I thought about Emma and how much she looked like Katie.  I wish I'd known her.  How much would she have looked like Katie?  Would she have had the blond that she does or brown?  Eyes?  Temperament?  Then I went back to the anxiety and nothing and the session ended.  I'd say we spent a good 20 minutes on the EMDR.  She had me do a centering exercise at the end and asked if I was okay and able to go home and stuff.  Said I can call her between sessions if I need to.  She said I needed more, but that I did well and had a good start.  I have standing appts on Monday, so that is my next one.

*end trigger - session details*

I've ordered a bracelet that has all my kids names and colors associated with them and also a charm to "bury" Ivy.  I love it and the Etsy seller had a stillbirth so this was personal to her.  I hope it arrives today or tomorrow.  She shipped it on Saturday.  I'll post pics soon.

I also have a job interview on Thursday.  Might be something, might be nothing.  Looks like a good opportunity, so thoughts and prayers on that since my current job situation isn't great.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Two steps back

Sometimes I feel so okay.  I feel like I'm on top of the world and I'm going to come out the other side.  Sometimes I feel like I got this.  I'm getting the help I need, I'm on meds, regardless on if I have another living child or not, Katie is going to be fine.  Then there's days I don't know.  I wonder.

Thursday was a bad day.  I'm owning up to Thursday.  I made bad choices.  I was hurting.  Hurting more than I realized and I wanted to dull the pain.  I took some anxiety meds because I'd been waking every morning of my Spring Break in a panic state.  Some days just extreme anxiety, a few times, full blown panic attacks.  Thurs was the day I saw my RE.  He looked at my face and said I had to get better.  That I didn't seem like I was okay.

Not okay.  At the end of May will be one year since I lost the twins.  In a few days it will be 10 months since I lost Emma and Chase, it's been more than a month since I lost Ivy.  I wasn't okay Thursday. I took xanax prior to my appt to get through it because I wanted to seem "okay", but he saw me, the real me that really isn't.

That evening to numb the pain I took more xanax.  It didn't help.  I thought well, I still have valium, let me try that, it didn't help either.  I gave it about 30-60 min before each one.  I'm not going to pretend I was tracking time, because I wasn't.  I thought let me have a bit of wine to chill me out.  I drank the whole bottle.  I was chatting online to two friends and while I don't remember exactly what I said to them, I know the gist of what I said and it wasn't good.  One person almost called 911 to my house and the other got a friend she thought could help me better to talk to me.  I don't even know what I said to this other person.  I won't go back and read because it's probably just best that I don't.  I was nauseous from everything so I took a nausea med that finally put me to sleep.

Friday and yesterday I "managed".  I didn't have a drop of alcohol and I only took xanax yesterday because we had a family function and I needed to appear "okay", other than having some kind of a bug I passed that test.  I'm more calm this morning then I have been in a few days.  I use essential oils and the one that had helped me most with my moods was out of stock and I ran out.  It came back in stock and I got two of them.  They arrived yesterday so I had a bath with it and I just feel "okay" this morning, like really okay.  I smoothed things out with one friend, but not the other.

You never get PTSD until you have it.  I'm so scared.  What if I can't be okay?  What if I can't do this?  I thought I was alright and then in a blink of an eye I wasn't.  Was it my REs office?  I kept thinking as I sat there about that ultrasound with Ivy, my ultrasound with the twins.  What is in the future?  How do I find peace with one child if that's how the story ends?

I want to be okay.  I desperately want to be, I can say that in all honesty now.  I don't know that I could say that before Ivy.  My 3 angels all have each other.  Katie is alone, Katie only has us.  She deserves the best "us" she can be.  She deserves a whole mom, not a shell.  Can I do it?  I want to.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

D&C followup

I had my follow-up from my RE today following the D&C

RE followup- No info on Ivy.  He's expecting the first two weeks of April and it will be uploaded to my portal. He did say nothing about uterus seemed odd or not okay.  He's hopeful I can conceive and carry another baby.

Counseling:- I returned to counseling on 3/7.  I was a shell of a person that appt.  I don't remember much, just very broken and empty.  She mentioned maybe I should go back on Lexapro.  I went back on Monday feeling a lot better after Lexapro.  She feels I'm ready for EMDR.  I'll be starting it this upcoming Monday.  I told her I wasn't ready to have Ivy, I was still in a bad place, but didn't know it.  We talked about how that would be diff this time, but didn't have a lot of answers.  After talking to DH I know I have to walk through the hospital Emma and Chase were born and not have  a panic attack to at least show i'm somewhat better.  I do have PTSD.  It was horrific while I was preg with Ivy.  I cried every day, couldn't separate the pregnancies and do the point where I was having panic attacks daily leading up to the u/s.  I lived my last moments with the twins over and over again, finally made it that u/s, one month ago today and Ivy was dead.

Medication- I started Lexapro on 3/8.  I started 5mg and by the weekend was having a very hard time so I increased to to 10mg.  I plan to remain on this dosage at least through the 24th and see from there.  On the 24th I'm seeing my pcp who prescribed the med in the first place and doesn't even know I'm taking it.  She's never known I've taken it.  It was prescribed over the summer, I started it in Oct, but she was out on maternity leave.  I stopped in Dec and then conceived in Jan. I was spiraling real bad, real fast and didn't want to go as low as last time where I was actually planning "accident" routes on the way to work.I take xanax for the panic attacks,which are increasing in frequency.  I take valium to sleep.  I sleep very, very poorly right now.  I often wake up in panic attacks.

Mood- The Lexapro has helped mostly stabilize me  I'm still on edge, still have some anxiety.  Today it was so bad i took both xanax and valium before my appt.  I have good days and bad days, but I'm barely making it and it's a lot of fake it until you make it.  I'm trying to so something for myself each day, but it's hard.

The plan- DH and I are going to take care of ourselves mind and body.  We are going for a "hail mary" in June.  We chose June because I'll be out of work due to summer, and even if I work summer school pt, time, it's not the same stress level.  I can focus on treatments.  Have all summer for appt, so try and relax and also if there is a loss I have time to focus on accepting Katie as my only living child and grieving that loss along with my others.  If there isn't' a loss, then dealing with the fear/stress of the pregnancy w/o my job in the way.  The EDD would be spring 2017, meaning if I made it to term and baby was born alive, I'd get to stay home until very close to summer if not through summer and get extra time that wasn't unpaid with the baby.

Right now I'm struggling.  I miss my children, I'm heartbroken for them. I just feel lost and empty.  I basically got from the RE, everything is fine, it's just "flukes'" your kid are dying.  No, I don't have hope for a good outcome in June, but I'm going to do it anyways, because I desperately want at least one more living child for Katie and the circumstances work out. I have a lot of emotional work to do between now and then and we're aware that if I'm not ready, then we have to wait.


One major thing changed with the loss of Ivy.  When the twins died all I could think about was dying too.  I wanted to be with them.  I couldn't handle being alive and the guilt.  After Ivy died, this shifted.  The three of them have each other Katie is alone.  She needs me.  She has to have me and I have to be okay, not just a shell, but truly present for her.  She's all I have in this world.
I started off begging my husband to leave me to find another.  I even looked at starting divorce proceedings on m own to force him to find her a real mom and the chance for siblings, but I know nothing can replace the real parent.  I can pick her up and throw against a wall everyday and she'd still want me.  It's just how it work.  So I'm going to try and be the mom she deserves, yesterday I felt more sure, today I don't. Today I can hardly function and I hurt so deep inside.  Okay, that's the update. 












Saturday, March 12, 2016

One month

Today marks one month since Ivy passed.  I wouldn't know it until the 17th, which is when I have my RE followup from my D&C.

I've been struggling-a lot.  I have new grief and different grief and working on new ways of healing and coping.  It's hard to explain, but it's changed a lot for me, some good, some bad.

I went back to counseling Monday and it helped.  On Tuesday I chose to go back on Lexapro.  The truth is I needed it-bad.  I was starting to go down a bad path and I couldn't go back to where I was in October.  I started on 5 mg and tonight I'm increasing to 10 mg.  I'm doing "better", but that really just means I'm surviving and making it through each day and nothing beyond that.

I'm trying to take care of me and I'm not good at that.  I loathe myself.  Most people think I'm kind and I put others first because I'm a good person.  The truth is, I hate myself.  I don't remember ever not hating myself and so I focus on others and try to forget about myself, but I'm sinking and I can't.  I could if it I didn't have Katie, but I do have her.  I have to be there for her and serve as an example.

Ways I'm trying to take care of me:

I took a bath the other night with some salts I made with my oils to help relax me.  I also had some tea and painted my toes "Ivy" colored.  Ivy is represented by green.

Taking the Lexapro and even increasing the dosage.  I hate doing it, but I recognize the need.  I'll reduce it if needed.

I've been so excited for a book to come out and Fuller House to come out.  I've hardly read or watched episodes due to depression.  I'm forcing myself to do one thing I enjoy or used to enjoy a day.  Just one thing for now.


These is from my pamper night.



My "Ivy" goes.  Pardon the red feet I'd just gotten out of the bath and the bad paint job.



Today I noticed my "Chase tree" I planed on Chase's (cat) birthday after he died was in full bloom.  Made me smile that Ivy is being taken care of by her twin sister and brother.



I started this picture shortly after finding out I was pregnant with Ivy and finally finished it today.


I had a panic attack at the park today when I took Katie and no Xanax on me.  I breathed, told David, and tried to keep myself grounded.  Took the Xanax and used oils soon as I got home, but another reason why I need to increase my Lexapro for now.  I was below my recommended dosage anyways, so now I'm just increasing to 10 mg the minimum recommended dosage.

I will survive this.  I will somehow be okay.  I will come on the other side.  I am determined.  I'll update again Thurs after my followup with the RE.  Hoping the chromosomal and genetic info is in by then, but might not be.  He said it could take up to a month.

One day at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time.

Ivy, Chase, and Emmy-you are so incredibly loved and missed.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

I Just Can't Survive This

I desperately needed this article today. I've read it a few times. I'm struggling. I need this. I have to find a way to get through this. I have to.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2016/03/confession-i-dont-want-to-survive-this/

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Poems

These are probably work in progress.  Just poems I felt compelled to write.

I have no idea why people follow this blog, I have no understanding of what people expect.  Right now my journey is over and I no longer see a rainbow in my future. I no longer see a sibling for my daughter and my focus is learning to shift to the following two things:

1. Working through my grief.  I say working because I will never, ever be over the loss of my three children.  NEVER.

2. Accepting Katie as an only child and somehow finding peace and "okay" with it. I have no idea how to do this.  I cannot explain how incredibly important it was to me she have a sibling, a partner in crime to share her life with.

My poems.  These are single drafts and may change over time as I find better wording to convey my feelings.

In My Daughter's Eyes
My daughter's eyes are filled with adoration.
Her smile matches the sparkle in her eyes.
The words "mama" excitedly escape her lips as she sees me coming near.
The way she looks at me, the love she has is clear.
I am the one who kisses her boo-boos and sings her favorite songs.  I read her books, I sing her songs, engage in art projects and introduce her to a world that's full of wonder.
In my daughter's eyes, I am her everything. The one who shields her from the pain, the one who can fix it all.  The one who owns the world.
In my daughter's eyes, I see all the love and perfection that for me was once only a dream.  A vision I feared would never come. As the struggle for her existence took me year by year.  A struggle that was worth the pain.
In my daughter's eyes, I see she thinks that I can do no wrong.
The truth, my beautiful, my perfect angel, is I can do no right.

In the Mirror
In the mirror stands a broken woman, who failed her kids and spouse.
In the mirror stands the woman reflecting on the past.
A woman who had planned to share her love with more than just a spouse.

Her body broken, her soul is gone, the odds of life decreased.  Her heart just won't give up, no matter what the cost. The years go by, and finally their wish comes true.  A perfect girl, a precious gift lights up this couple's world.

This perfect girl brings so much joy, the woman dreams galore, of a future where there's more than one and love is even more. The visions of them playing, fighting, growing, sharing secrets. A world that's filled with so much love that anything is worth it.

Sadly as the time goes on the dreams aren't meant to be.  It all starts off so promising with twins part of the tree. The woman's body gets too sick to keep those babies safe.  The couple gets one day with each child to sing, take pictures, and say goodbye.  Instead of putting twins in cribs, their home is an urn.

In time they gain the strength to try once more for life.  Not to replace what now gone, but for more of love to give.  The visions of their perfect girl growing along another are worth the risks it takes. A treatment is successful and among the pain and fear there's joy. The joy turns into sorrow and once more they say goodbye.  This one is gone too early to be held by more than just their heart. The tears stream down our faces the day we say goodbye.

In the mirror I look again, the hope is finally gone.  I look at my precious girl who only wants her mom.  How do I face her?  How do I admit, I failed to give her more?  I look into her eyes, where she thinks I am her world.  But Katie dear, I am so sorry, I've failed you in this world.

I look at the man I married, the man who holds my heart.  I pray and beg he'll wake up one day and see there's more than me.  He can give our precious girl what I cannot.  He can give her a mom that's whole, and more children in her life.  I'm shattered and I'm broken not worthy of what I have.

As I look into the eyes of the two that I love most, my heart just starts to break apart.  I so desperately want to make their dreams come true, but sadly I cannot.

Dear Katie and David,

I am sorry I am not better. Sorry I couldn't give you more.  Sorry my shortcomings have and will cause you pain. I hope you know that in my heart you are my whole entire world.  Not a day goes by I don't thank my life that you belong to me.  I only wish I could be more for you.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

D&C

Yesterday was my D&C, so it's officially over, well physically.  Ivy will have chromosomal and genetic testing.  I have a followup with my RE on the 17th of this month, but those results may not be in by then.  I didn't get to see my RE after the procedure since he had back to back surgeries, but I assume things went well since no one said otherwise.

I was very emotional yesterday.  I started crying when I got to the hospital and was crying a lot as they wheeled me into the OR.  The last words I said before they knocked me out was I love my children, I miss them, I want them.  I woke up crying too and they immediately got my husband.

Financially, well I have to get through my deductible, so losing Ivy cost as much as conceiving.  I'm upset with my REs office because the financial dept called me as I was on my way there and said how much I owed and that I had to pay that moment or else he wasn't coming to do the procedure.  Who the hell does that????  I didn't have my card on me since I was having surgery and had limited things on me.  DH's was in the trunk.  He pulled over to get it and when I kept calling back it went to voicemail.  I was just in the lobby crying not sure what to do.  I finally got a call back and the lady got all snippy with me saying, don't be mad, this is just procedure.  Don't be mad?????  I wasn't there for a damn c/s, I was there because my baby was dead.  I was already not okay and they way the finances were handled by my RE were not great.  I love my RE, but his office has changed.  As his practice has grown, I feel the quality is down.  DH suggested I might write a letter on my experiences over my four treatments and experiences through the years and how it's changed.

Physically-I feel better.  My uterus had been hurting a lot since the failed cytotec trial.  I have bad cramping today and right now I'm nauseous from the pain meds, but still better than before.

Emotionally-Lost, broken, sad.  I have no idea how to pick up or where to go from here.

I'd cancelled my last two appointments since I was trying to focus on the physical aspect of my loss before moving on to emotional.  She did call me yesterday with concern so I'll call her later today and keep my Monday appointment.  Not sure what I'll do beyond that.  At this time I'm not taking any medication for the emotional stuff and haven't decided if I will or not.

I feel in many ways I deserve the pain I feel.  I didn't give Ivy my whole heart the way my other 3 got it.  Ivy got my grief and fear.  I loved her as much as the others, but I didn't let that in.  I have no idea if Ivy knows or doesn't.  I will never forgive myself for that and I don't deserve to feel better or not feel the pain of what I did.  I know I didn't cause Ivy's death and hopefully I'll find out what did.