Thursday, March 17, 2016

D&C followup

I had my follow-up from my RE today following the D&C

RE followup- No info on Ivy.  He's expecting the first two weeks of April and it will be uploaded to my portal. He did say nothing about uterus seemed odd or not okay.  He's hopeful I can conceive and carry another baby.

Counseling:- I returned to counseling on 3/7.  I was a shell of a person that appt.  I don't remember much, just very broken and empty.  She mentioned maybe I should go back on Lexapro.  I went back on Monday feeling a lot better after Lexapro.  She feels I'm ready for EMDR.  I'll be starting it this upcoming Monday.  I told her I wasn't ready to have Ivy, I was still in a bad place, but didn't know it.  We talked about how that would be diff this time, but didn't have a lot of answers.  After talking to DH I know I have to walk through the hospital Emma and Chase were born and not have  a panic attack to at least show i'm somewhat better.  I do have PTSD.  It was horrific while I was preg with Ivy.  I cried every day, couldn't separate the pregnancies and do the point where I was having panic attacks daily leading up to the u/s.  I lived my last moments with the twins over and over again, finally made it that u/s, one month ago today and Ivy was dead.

Medication- I started Lexapro on 3/8.  I started 5mg and by the weekend was having a very hard time so I increased to to 10mg.  I plan to remain on this dosage at least through the 24th and see from there.  On the 24th I'm seeing my pcp who prescribed the med in the first place and doesn't even know I'm taking it.  She's never known I've taken it.  It was prescribed over the summer, I started it in Oct, but she was out on maternity leave.  I stopped in Dec and then conceived in Jan. I was spiraling real bad, real fast and didn't want to go as low as last time where I was actually planning "accident" routes on the way to work.I take xanax for the panic attacks,which are increasing in frequency.  I take valium to sleep.  I sleep very, very poorly right now.  I often wake up in panic attacks.

Mood- The Lexapro has helped mostly stabilize me  I'm still on edge, still have some anxiety.  Today it was so bad i took both xanax and valium before my appt.  I have good days and bad days, but I'm barely making it and it's a lot of fake it until you make it.  I'm trying to so something for myself each day, but it's hard.

The plan- DH and I are going to take care of ourselves mind and body.  We are going for a "hail mary" in June.  We chose June because I'll be out of work due to summer, and even if I work summer school pt, time, it's not the same stress level.  I can focus on treatments.  Have all summer for appt, so try and relax and also if there is a loss I have time to focus on accepting Katie as my only living child and grieving that loss along with my others.  If there isn't' a loss, then dealing with the fear/stress of the pregnancy w/o my job in the way.  The EDD would be spring 2017, meaning if I made it to term and baby was born alive, I'd get to stay home until very close to summer if not through summer and get extra time that wasn't unpaid with the baby.

Right now I'm struggling.  I miss my children, I'm heartbroken for them. I just feel lost and empty.  I basically got from the RE, everything is fine, it's just "flukes'" your kid are dying.  No, I don't have hope for a good outcome in June, but I'm going to do it anyways, because I desperately want at least one more living child for Katie and the circumstances work out. I have a lot of emotional work to do between now and then and we're aware that if I'm not ready, then we have to wait.

One major thing changed with the loss of Ivy.  When the twins died all I could think about was dying too.  I wanted to be with them.  I couldn't handle being alive and the guilt.  After Ivy died, this shifted.  The three of them have each other Katie is alone.  She needs me.  She has to have me and I have to be okay, not just a shell, but truly present for her.  She's all I have in this world.
I started off begging my husband to leave me to find another.  I even looked at starting divorce proceedings on m own to force him to find her a real mom and the chance for siblings, but I know nothing can replace the real parent.  I can pick her up and throw against a wall everyday and she'd still want me.  It's just how it work.  So I'm going to try and be the mom she deserves, yesterday I felt more sure, today I don't. Today I can hardly function and I hurt so deep inside.  Okay, that's the update. 


  1. You're doing the work you need to do, and I'm so very proud of you. I love you very much. You're going to make it. Katie absolutely needs you to be her loving Mom. I'm grateful for you. ❤️❤️

  2. I'm glad you are doing the work too. You are so brave. I agree that the Post tramatic stess is so so scary. After losing J and B, just getting my blood drawn made my heart race. Summer sounds like a good plan <3