Wednesday, March 2, 2016


Yesterday was my D&C, so it's officially over, well physically.  Ivy will have chromosomal and genetic testing.  I have a followup with my RE on the 17th of this month, but those results may not be in by then.  I didn't get to see my RE after the procedure since he had back to back surgeries, but I assume things went well since no one said otherwise.

I was very emotional yesterday.  I started crying when I got to the hospital and was crying a lot as they wheeled me into the OR.  The last words I said before they knocked me out was I love my children, I miss them, I want them.  I woke up crying too and they immediately got my husband.

Financially, well I have to get through my deductible, so losing Ivy cost as much as conceiving.  I'm upset with my REs office because the financial dept called me as I was on my way there and said how much I owed and that I had to pay that moment or else he wasn't coming to do the procedure.  Who the hell does that????  I didn't have my card on me since I was having surgery and had limited things on me.  DH's was in the trunk.  He pulled over to get it and when I kept calling back it went to voicemail.  I was just in the lobby crying not sure what to do.  I finally got a call back and the lady got all snippy with me saying, don't be mad, this is just procedure.  Don't be mad?????  I wasn't there for a damn c/s, I was there because my baby was dead.  I was already not okay and they way the finances were handled by my RE were not great.  I love my RE, but his office has changed.  As his practice has grown, I feel the quality is down.  DH suggested I might write a letter on my experiences over my four treatments and experiences through the years and how it's changed.

Physically-I feel better.  My uterus had been hurting a lot since the failed cytotec trial.  I have bad cramping today and right now I'm nauseous from the pain meds, but still better than before.

Emotionally-Lost, broken, sad.  I have no idea how to pick up or where to go from here.

I'd cancelled my last two appointments since I was trying to focus on the physical aspect of my loss before moving on to emotional.  She did call me yesterday with concern so I'll call her later today and keep my Monday appointment.  Not sure what I'll do beyond that.  At this time I'm not taking any medication for the emotional stuff and haven't decided if I will or not.

I feel in many ways I deserve the pain I feel.  I didn't give Ivy my whole heart the way my other 3 got it.  Ivy got my grief and fear.  I loved her as much as the others, but I didn't let that in.  I have no idea if Ivy knows or doesn't.  I will never forgive myself for that and I don't deserve to feel better or not feel the pain of what I did.  I know I didn't cause Ivy's death and hopefully I'll find out what did.


  1. No words can express how sorry I am. I wish there were words or things that could be done to take your pain away but alas it seems like in life nothing does that. My thoughts are sincerely with you. Take whatever comforts you can find.

  2. Girl, you do NOT deserve this pain - no one does. Ivy getting your grief and fear is completely understandable. But I also have no doubt that she knows how much you love/wanted her... Abiding with you as you wait on the testing results. -Polly