Tuesday, March 22, 2016

EMDR, take 1

I had counseling yesterday, which was my first EMDR session.  I honestly had no idea what to expect and was very anxious leading up to it.  In general, my anxiety has been horrible, to the point of waking up with panic attacks or with severe enough anxiety that I was usually taking Xanax by mid-morning.

This is the first morning I did not wake up from anxiety and I've not had to take Xanax and I'm mostly okay.  I have really bad LP cramping (ovulated yesterday) and I'm tired because the session was intense and it was hard to come down from that.  I also may have the stomach bug that's been going around, but not sure.  My stomach is feeling better, but I was pretty nauseous this morning.

Anyways, pretty much the session started with how I've been doing since last week.  I told her about Thursday and all my anxiety.  We talked about the way I felt about myself, that I feel worthless as a woman, well, worthless in general and what the positive outcome was.  I said I'd like to believe I'm capable of having another living child, but honestly, that is out of my control, so I said that I am worth something.

*trigger session details*

She then said when I think of my kids what pops to mind.  I said it was the u/s where I saw the twins and then was told Emma was going to be born within 24 hours and she would be dead.  She said start with that in my mind and then she waved her hand back and forth for I think 30 seconds, but I wasn't counting.  At first I didn't feel anything, then I started to feel anxiety, then I started to think about my kids.  I started crying (first time to ever cry during counseling) and saying how much I missed them, wished I could've saved them, wish I could hold them. I thought about Ivy and how guilty and bad I felt during the pregnancy.  How sorry I was and how much I love her.  I thought about the day of the D&C, in the OR I was yelling I miss my babies, I love them, and they knocked me out pretty quickly at that point.  I woke up from the D&C crying for my kids too. I thought about Emma and how much she looked like Katie.  I wish I'd known her.  How much would she have looked like Katie?  Would she have had the blond that she does or brown?  Eyes?  Temperament?  Then I went back to the anxiety and nothing and the session ended.  I'd say we spent a good 20 minutes on the EMDR.  She had me do a centering exercise at the end and asked if I was okay and able to go home and stuff.  Said I can call her between sessions if I need to.  She said I needed more, but that I did well and had a good start.  I have standing appts on Monday, so that is my next one.

*end trigger - session details*

I've ordered a bracelet that has all my kids names and colors associated with them and also a charm to "bury" Ivy.  I love it and the Etsy seller had a stillbirth so this was personal to her.  I hope it arrives today or tomorrow.  She shipped it on Saturday.  I'll post pics soon.

I also have a job interview on Thursday.  Might be something, might be nothing.  Looks like a good opportunity, so thoughts and prayers on that since my current job situation isn't great.

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