I've been struggling-a lot. I have new grief and different grief and working on new ways of healing and coping. It's hard to explain, but it's changed a lot for me, some good, some bad.
I went back to counseling Monday and it helped. On Tuesday I chose to go back on Lexapro. The truth is I needed it-bad. I was starting to go down a bad path and I couldn't go back to where I was in October. I started on 5 mg and tonight I'm increasing to 10 mg. I'm doing "better", but that really just means I'm surviving and making it through each day and nothing beyond that.
I'm trying to take care of me and I'm not good at that. I loathe myself. Most people think I'm kind and I put others first because I'm a good person. The truth is, I hate myself. I don't remember ever not hating myself and so I focus on others and try to forget about myself, but I'm sinking and I can't. I could if it I didn't have Katie, but I do have her. I have to be there for her and serve as an example.
Ways I'm trying to take care of me:
I took a bath the other night with some salts I made with my oils to help relax me. I also had some tea and painted my toes "Ivy" colored. Ivy is represented by green.
Taking the Lexapro and even increasing the dosage. I hate doing it, but I recognize the need. I'll reduce it if needed.
I've been so excited for a book to come out and Fuller House to come out. I've hardly read or watched episodes due to depression. I'm forcing myself to do one thing I enjoy or used to enjoy a day. Just one thing for now.
These is from my pamper night.
My "Ivy" goes. Pardon the red feet I'd just gotten out of the bath and the bad paint job.
Today I noticed my "Chase tree" I planed on Chase's (cat) birthday after he died was in full bloom. Made me smile that Ivy is being taken care of by her twin sister and brother.
I started this picture shortly after finding out I was pregnant with Ivy and finally finished it today.
I had a panic attack at the park today when I took Katie and no Xanax on me. I breathed, told David, and tried to keep myself grounded. Took the Xanax and used oils soon as I got home, but another reason why I need to increase my Lexapro for now. I was below my recommended dosage anyways, so now I'm just increasing to 10 mg the minimum recommended dosage.
I will survive this. I will somehow be okay. I will come on the other side. I am determined. I'll update again Thurs after my followup with the RE. Hoping the chromosomal and genetic info is in by then, but might not be. He said it could take up to a month.
One day at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time.
Ivy, Chase, and Emmy-you are so incredibly loved and missed.