Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Poems

These are probably work in progress.  Just poems I felt compelled to write.

I have no idea why people follow this blog, I have no understanding of what people expect.  Right now my journey is over and I no longer see a rainbow in my future. I no longer see a sibling for my daughter and my focus is learning to shift to the following two things:

1. Working through my grief.  I say working because I will never, ever be over the loss of my three children.  NEVER.

2. Accepting Katie as an only child and somehow finding peace and "okay" with it. I have no idea how to do this.  I cannot explain how incredibly important it was to me she have a sibling, a partner in crime to share her life with.

My poems.  These are single drafts and may change over time as I find better wording to convey my feelings.

In My Daughter's Eyes
My daughter's eyes are filled with adoration.
Her smile matches the sparkle in her eyes.
The words "mama" excitedly escape her lips as she sees me coming near.
The way she looks at me, the love she has is clear.
I am the one who kisses her boo-boos and sings her favorite songs.  I read her books, I sing her songs, engage in art projects and introduce her to a world that's full of wonder.
In my daughter's eyes, I am her everything. The one who shields her from the pain, the one who can fix it all.  The one who owns the world.
In my daughter's eyes, I see all the love and perfection that for me was once only a dream.  A vision I feared would never come. As the struggle for her existence took me year by year.  A struggle that was worth the pain.
In my daughter's eyes, I see she thinks that I can do no wrong.
The truth, my beautiful, my perfect angel, is I can do no right.

In the Mirror
In the mirror stands a broken woman, who failed her kids and spouse.
In the mirror stands the woman reflecting on the past.
A woman who had planned to share her love with more than just a spouse.

Her body broken, her soul is gone, the odds of life decreased.  Her heart just won't give up, no matter what the cost. The years go by, and finally their wish comes true.  A perfect girl, a precious gift lights up this couple's world.

This perfect girl brings so much joy, the woman dreams galore, of a future where there's more than one and love is even more. The visions of them playing, fighting, growing, sharing secrets. A world that's filled with so much love that anything is worth it.

Sadly as the time goes on the dreams aren't meant to be.  It all starts off so promising with twins part of the tree. The woman's body gets too sick to keep those babies safe.  The couple gets one day with each child to sing, take pictures, and say goodbye.  Instead of putting twins in cribs, their home is an urn.

In time they gain the strength to try once more for life.  Not to replace what now gone, but for more of love to give.  The visions of their perfect girl growing along another are worth the risks it takes. A treatment is successful and among the pain and fear there's joy. The joy turns into sorrow and once more they say goodbye.  This one is gone too early to be held by more than just their heart. The tears stream down our faces the day we say goodbye.

In the mirror I look again, the hope is finally gone.  I look at my precious girl who only wants her mom.  How do I face her?  How do I admit, I failed to give her more?  I look into her eyes, where she thinks I am her world.  But Katie dear, I am so sorry, I've failed you in this world.

I look at the man I married, the man who holds my heart.  I pray and beg he'll wake up one day and see there's more than me.  He can give our precious girl what I cannot.  He can give her a mom that's whole, and more children in her life.  I'm shattered and I'm broken not worthy of what I have.

As I look into the eyes of the two that I love most, my heart just starts to break apart.  I so desperately want to make their dreams come true, but sadly I cannot.

Dear Katie and David,

I am sorry I am not better. Sorry I couldn't give you more.  Sorry my shortcomings have and will cause you pain. I hope you know that in my heart you are my whole entire world.  Not a day goes by I don't thank my life that you belong to me.  I only wish I could be more for you.

4 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for all of your losses, Amber. Keep writing. I came across this poem recently by former Poet Laureate Kay Ryan. She wrote it after her father died unexpectedly, but I think it resonates with loss moms too. Take care of yourself.

    After Zeno (1965)
    For my father
    by Kay Ryan

    When he was
    I was.
    But I still am
    and he is still.

    Where is is
    when is is was?
    I have an is
    but where is his?

    Now here—
    no where:
    such a little
    fatal pause.

    There’s no sense
    in past tense.

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  2. Keep writing. It's important to share your grief. We're all here for you. Thank you so much for sharing. Love you. Hugs!

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  3. I hope you keep writing. These poems are beautiful.

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