Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Trapped

I'm trapped within myself and I don't know how to be free.  I called my pcp on Monday because of how bad I was doing, that day was horrific in terms of mood.  To the point where I was holding my head and just rocking back and forth just begging to function.  Got into a bad fight with my mom, everything was wrong.

My Lexapro was decreased from 20 mg to 10 mg and Klonopin 0.5 mg am and pm. I did a bit better yesterday, but today not so good.  I called back early this morning, was told I'd get a call back pretty quickly.  3 hours later and I'm still waiting.  I'm at work doing the bare minimum and just trying to function.

My friend texted me a dream where I was 38 weeks preg and she and her hubby came to help me set up the nursery because I was too scared to do it any earlier. As I sit here trapped within myself, reliving a life that's now a year old, I can't even imagine any of that ever being true.  Any of that ever happening.  I'm scared, I'm confused, I don't know how it's ever going to be okay again.  I'm debating tossing away all the meds.  I don't know.  I don't know how to get help.  I just want to disappear.  I want to hide under a rock away from society.  Away from everyone I know and just stare at pictures of Katie.  I'm so sorry Katie that mommy is so broken.  I'm sorry Emma, Chase, and Ivy, and my amazing husband David.  Sorry to all the friends I let down and family.  Sorry that I'm not there for anyone the way I once was.  That I'm not even a person anymore, I don't know what I am.  Just a broken thing.  I've failed everyone I love.  I'm just not okay.  I wish I was.  I'm sorry.

3 comments:

  1. Hang in there, beautiful. Brighter days are ahead. Prayers are being said in your behalf. Know that the Lord and so many others love you, just the way you are! You are a wonderful, kind, caring person. You will get through this difficult time and will be a stronger person for it. Hugs and prayers to you!

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  2. I'm kind of there with you. Barely functioning some days. We'll both get through this.

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  3. Amber: I think that you may need to seek out a psychiatrist. Its their field and their expertise, they know the ins and outs of the medications and you may find a combo that will work better. I'm so sorry for everything. The first year was the hardest for me, the second miscarriage wasn't as hard. I still wanted both of my babies...but they weren't meant for me.

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