I'm trapped within myself and I don't know how to be free. I called my pcp on Monday because of how bad I was doing, that day was horrific in terms of mood. To the point where I was holding my head and just rocking back and forth just begging to function. Got into a bad fight with my mom, everything was wrong.
My Lexapro was decreased from 20 mg to 10 mg and Klonopin 0.5 mg am and pm. I did a bit better yesterday, but today not so good. I called back early this morning, was told I'd get a call back pretty quickly. 3 hours later and I'm still waiting. I'm at work doing the bare minimum and just trying to function.
My friend texted me a dream where I was 38 weeks preg and she and her hubby came to help me set up the nursery because I was too scared to do it any earlier. As I sit here trapped within myself, reliving a life that's now a year old, I can't even imagine any of that ever being true. Any of that ever happening. I'm scared, I'm confused, I don't know how it's ever going to be okay again. I'm debating tossing away all the meds. I don't know. I don't know how to get help. I just want to disappear. I want to hide under a rock away from society. Away from everyone I know and just stare at pictures of Katie. I'm so sorry Katie that mommy is so broken. I'm sorry Emma, Chase, and Ivy, and my amazing husband David. Sorry to all the friends I let down and family. Sorry that I'm not there for anyone the way I once was. That I'm not even a person anymore, I don't know what I am. Just a broken thing. I've failed everyone I love. I'm just not okay. I wish I was. I'm sorry.