Sunday, March 20, 2016

Two steps back

Sometimes I feel so okay.  I feel like I'm on top of the world and I'm going to come out the other side.  Sometimes I feel like I got this.  I'm getting the help I need, I'm on meds, regardless on if I have another living child or not, Katie is going to be fine.  Then there's days I don't know.  I wonder.

Thursday was a bad day.  I'm owning up to Thursday.  I made bad choices.  I was hurting.  Hurting more than I realized and I wanted to dull the pain.  I took some anxiety meds because I'd been waking every morning of my Spring Break in a panic state.  Some days just extreme anxiety, a few times, full blown panic attacks.  Thurs was the day I saw my RE.  He looked at my face and said I had to get better.  That I didn't seem like I was okay.

Not okay.  At the end of May will be one year since I lost the twins.  In a few days it will be 10 months since I lost Emma and Chase, it's been more than a month since I lost Ivy.  I wasn't okay Thursday. I took xanax prior to my appt to get through it because I wanted to seem "okay", but he saw me, the real me that really isn't.

That evening to numb the pain I took more xanax.  It didn't help.  I thought well, I still have valium, let me try that, it didn't help either.  I gave it about 30-60 min before each one.  I'm not going to pretend I was tracking time, because I wasn't.  I thought let me have a bit of wine to chill me out.  I drank the whole bottle.  I was chatting online to two friends and while I don't remember exactly what I said to them, I know the gist of what I said and it wasn't good.  One person almost called 911 to my house and the other got a friend she thought could help me better to talk to me.  I don't even know what I said to this other person.  I won't go back and read because it's probably just best that I don't.  I was nauseous from everything so I took a nausea med that finally put me to sleep.

Friday and yesterday I "managed".  I didn't have a drop of alcohol and I only took xanax yesterday because we had a family function and I needed to appear "okay", other than having some kind of a bug I passed that test.  I'm more calm this morning then I have been in a few days.  I use essential oils and the one that had helped me most with my moods was out of stock and I ran out.  It came back in stock and I got two of them.  They arrived yesterday so I had a bath with it and I just feel "okay" this morning, like really okay.  I smoothed things out with one friend, but not the other.

You never get PTSD until you have it.  I'm so scared.  What if I can't be okay?  What if I can't do this?  I thought I was alright and then in a blink of an eye I wasn't.  Was it my REs office?  I kept thinking as I sat there about that ultrasound with Ivy, my ultrasound with the twins.  What is in the future?  How do I find peace with one child if that's how the story ends?

I want to be okay.  I desperately want to be, I can say that in all honesty now.  I don't know that I could say that before Ivy.  My 3 angels all have each other.  Katie is alone, Katie only has us.  She deserves the best "us" she can be.  She deserves a whole mom, not a shell.  Can I do it?  I want to.

1 comment:

  1. You can do it and you will. One moment at a time. You are stronger than you think! -Polly