Sometimes I feel so okay. I feel like I'm on top of the world and I'm going to come out the other side. Sometimes I feel like I got this. I'm getting the help I need, I'm on meds, regardless on if I have another living child or not, Katie is going to be fine. Then there's days I don't know. I wonder.
Thursday was a bad day. I'm owning up to Thursday. I made bad choices. I was hurting. Hurting more than I realized and I wanted to dull the pain. I took some anxiety meds because I'd been waking every morning of my Spring Break in a panic state. Some days just extreme anxiety, a few times, full blown panic attacks. Thurs was the day I saw my RE. He looked at my face and said I had to get better. That I didn't seem like I was okay.
Not okay. At the end of May will be one year since I lost the twins. In a few days it will be 10 months since I lost Emma and Chase, it's been more than a month since I lost Ivy. I wasn't okay Thursday. I took xanax prior to my appt to get through it because I wanted to seem "okay", but he saw me, the real me that really isn't.
That evening to numb the pain I took more xanax. It didn't help. I thought well, I still have valium, let me try that, it didn't help either. I gave it about 30-60 min before each one. I'm not going to pretend I was tracking time, because I wasn't. I thought let me have a bit of wine to chill me out. I drank the whole bottle. I was chatting online to two friends and while I don't remember exactly what I said to them, I know the gist of what I said and it wasn't good. One person almost called 911 to my house and the other got a friend she thought could help me better to talk to me. I don't even know what I said to this other person. I won't go back and read because it's probably just best that I don't. I was nauseous from everything so I took a nausea med that finally put me to sleep.
Friday and yesterday I "managed". I didn't have a drop of alcohol and I only took xanax yesterday because we had a family function and I needed to appear "okay", other than having some kind of a bug I passed that test. I'm more calm this morning then I have been in a few days. I use essential oils and the one that had helped me most with my moods was out of stock and I ran out. It came back in stock and I got two of them. They arrived yesterday so I had a bath with it and I just feel "okay" this morning, like really okay. I smoothed things out with one friend, but not the other.
You never get PTSD until you have it. I'm so scared. What if I can't be okay? What if I can't do this? I thought I was alright and then in a blink of an eye I wasn't. Was it my REs office? I kept thinking as I sat there about that ultrasound with Ivy, my ultrasound with the twins. What is in the future? How do I find peace with one child if that's how the story ends?
I want to be okay. I desperately want to be, I can say that in all honesty now. I don't know that I could say that before Ivy. My 3 angels all have each other. Katie is alone, Katie only has us. She deserves the best "us" she can be. She deserves a whole mom, not a shell. Can I do it? I want to.