Saturday, April 16, 2016

11 year anniversary

Today is a hard day.  Last night and now this morning, I'm very much struggling with my PTSD. I'm trying hard not let it spiral too bad and as much as I wish it would go away, I expected it to struggle with it today and I'm going to allow myself the feelings and the memories, because they are mine. They are part of my grief and it's okay.  There's nothing wrong with today being so bittersweet.

Why bittersweet?  Today is my 11 year wedding anniversary.  And why is this triggering?  A year ago I announced my pregnancy to social media.  I "came out" that Katie was going to be a big sister and that I was going to have twins.  Here's where I posted on my blog. It's interesting when I reread it now.  I feel like I knew, I always knew.  Even a year ago, I'm writing about my fear.  The fear that even though I had no reason to worry I did.  I had to smirk at the 2 lb NICU babies.  Who knew that would've been the preferred outcome?  I remember struggling to post the post button on FB.  I was shaking every time I came to do it.  I talked to a good friend on messenger who was waiting for me to post it and I couldn't, I couldn't do it.  I told her for some reason I was having a panic attack just thinking about posting and I didn't know why, but I had a hard time sharing this news.  Did I always know?  I mean really know, somewhere in the back of my head that those sweet kids would never make it home with me?

Katie's big sister shirt.  I was so proud of that shirt.  Took me a while to order it.  It came in just days before we had the pics taken.  Big sister to twins.  I loved it.  I loved everything about it.  I saved her shirt.  I'm wondering if she should wear it on the day we celebrate their birthday, I don't know. I'll deal it it next month. One hit at a time, today it's this one.

I'm crying while I type this.  Even taking breaks from typing to cry.  Reminding myself that I am healing with each tear, reminding myself that it's okay to remember, okay to feel.  That feeling all of it means I loved them, that I STILL love them.  That I wish with all my heart the outcome had been different, will always wish that. Letting the grief in and accepting that it represents love and the human experience of missing kids I love with all my heart.

I remember once I posted I couldn't even go back to FB to see what people said or who liked it or what.  It took me hours and I was at work and just buried myself in it.  I was shaking.  I didn't know why, still don't know why. I regretted posting it as soon as I did, but it was out there.

That night, at dinner.  We went to a nice restaurant.  I had a virgin drink, of course.  We happily told the waiter it had to be that way because I was pregnant.  It was our 10 year anniversary and we were going to complete our family.  I joked with David how our goal had been when we started TTC when I was 30, two kids by age 35 and I was going to not only meet the goal, but beat it by having a third child.  We toasted and we laughed and we took our time to enjoy our meal because we knew this year would be different.

We didn't realize how different it would be. I thought I was never going to get anyone to watch an active toddler and two infants.  We'd order in, enjoy our anniversary with our perfect family.  Instead, my mom happily offered to watch Katie, she's just one child. It's different because since that day I've lost three children. It's different because I need to accept my family might be finished and somehow make that okay. It's different because whether I have another child or not doesn't matter.  That child will never be Emma, Chase, or Ivy.  NEVER.  It doesn't mean there isn't a different future, but it does mean it hurts.

I'm trying to find who I am.  Lately I do better with it all.  I tell myself I am not grieving, I am healing.  I'm telling myself that they are not "gone", they are simply not with me.  Today, right now, I just miss them.  I wish I had my bracelet back.  The seller is fixing it because it was caught on to my sweater and it broke. I hope I get it soon.  I need them on me.  I'm glad I have my figuring and in a little bit I'll hold it and spend some quiet time thinking about last year, crying more, and thinking about my kids.  It's okay to do so.

This is the amazing man I married.  My best friend as well as my husband.  The one I can always count on to be there for me.

The day I became the luckiest woman alive.  The day he chose me to be his wife.  I love him so much.

1 comment:

  1. Happy anniversary!! 11 years is awesome!! I randomly was reading my triplet pregnancy posts on my blog in 2013. I talked about all the risks with multiples and that coming at 22 weeks would be a "death sentence." It was erry as Jude was born at 21 weeks. It was like I knew something too. But, especially people that have to use ART, I think we are nervous/guarded anyway. Much love!!