Last week was bad, real bad. I actually have very little memory of it, but I'm getting the idea after talking to others, like my counselor, friends, etc. I seemed very "not okay" and I wasn't. It wasn't me and I don't think it was grief, although maybe some of it was. I do know most of it was meds, which is also why my memory of last week isn't great.
I was way overmedicated and it had adverse reactions. This is why I hate to take meds. I had a pcp who had given me these meds and wasn't calling me back even though I was calling daily saying "help me, I'm not okay". I took matters into my own hands and reduced my medication. I'm now only on 5 mg of Lexapro and guess what? I'm okay. Am I perfect? No. Fantastic? No. I'm okay though and I'm functional. I'm not crying all the time, I'm not upset all the time. I was able to enjoy my family this weekend, get things done, etc. I can cook dinner and not sit there on the couch like a zombie while my husband does everything.
I've also learned a lot of my anxiety has to do with my job and is separate from my grief and healing. Yesterday in counseling, my therapist just wanted to talk to me and see how I was. I think I scared her when we had our EMDR session last Wed and she was rethinking if I could handle it. After talking yesterday and seeing how much better I am, we plan to continue and my next session is tomorrow.
I can't wait to get off meds because they really affect me so much and it's hard to tell what is me and what isn't. I feel like I'm just waking up from this fog and that I was asleep or something all last week.
Anyways, so far a much better week. Starting to think about the twins one year anniversary next month and what to do. I can't believe I'm really coming up on a year soon since it happened. Mine and David's anniversaries are coming up. 19 years of being together on 4/11 and 11 years of marriage on 4/16. I remember I announced our pregnancy on social media last year on our 10 year wedding anniversary.