I'm trying hard to find peace, healing, among the loss of all three children. Their losses were different. I know the reason for each one and all of them are "flukes", so to speak, but at the same time, I miss them and wish they were with me.
I do feel differently about my kids. I'm not going to lie. There was nothing wrong with Emma and Chase. Only something wrong with the vessel that carried them. I get I didn't choose to be sick, but nontheless I was. I was sick and it got to them and my body let go and they were just too young and it was too early. They were perfect. I got to hold and see each one and spend time with them, although never together since I lost them 28 hours apart.
Ivy was never going to live. He had a full extra chromosome 16. He was never going to be okay, no matter what and had he had a partial copy and not full copy, the choice might've come down to me deciding how long he was going to live, because T-16 is fatal, unfortunately.
I feel more pain with Emma and Chase. I think it was everything surrounding their loss. There was trauma along with the loss. With Ivy it's different because I was already in such a bad place, already expecting the worst, and already struggling to accept this precious baby, that I said goodbye before I could really say hello.
Some think Ivy is the "lesser" of my children, but he's not. He's the child who made me see the truth. The truth that wasn't wanting to heal. That I wasn't ready before and even though I said I was ready and I was trying, I really wasn't. I was hiding in the dark, holding the pain in. I thought it was the only way to keep them with me. Then when Ivy came along I saw it as being forced to let go and it made me angry. When I said goodbye to Ivy, I realized that I had to let go of the pain, so I could feel the love. Ivy is the child who's helping me find peace and healing.
I see glimpses of this world where I carry all 4 of my children. There may or may not be a fifth child, I don't know and I can't control that. If I do have a fifth child, I don't know which side he or she will join and I also can't control that. I can't control much. Something could happen to Katie this very second. I have to make peace, find healing and move forward.
Emma and Chase possibly saved my life. There's strong evidence point towards my being sick for a while before they did and all of us probably before my body let go. They are the ones who gave their life for me. Ivy is the one who is saving me emotionally who makes me see I want to get better.
You see, my children are beautiful, perfect, and wonderful. No one, especially not the only person who got to experience them personally, should feel pain because of them. They aren't about pain, they're about love and peace. They are always with me and we're always a part of each other.
I'm somehow going to find that place where it's no so raw and so painful. That place where my heart doesn't feel broken. I'm going to keep working until I do. I have another EMDR session tonight. Day by day, little by little, I'll get there.
I hope a fifth child begins his or her journey to our family this summer, but regardless, I'm a mother of 4. 2 perfect girls and 2 perfect boys, now I need to be the mom to them all that they deserve. Katie, Emma, Chase, and Ivy. I love you all so much! Thank you for being a part of my life.