Tuesday, April 12, 2016

It's not just about the grief

Counseling is opening up my eyes to something, moreso yesterday, although it's something I've been realizing for a couple of weeks. It's not just about the grief, the loss, the infertility.  A lot of what I'm struggling with are things that have happened in my life, including my core beliefs on who I am, what I am, what makes me me and how I view myself.

Yesterday it came out.  The truth of what I think of myself.  I found myself opening up Pandora's Box and being open and honest about who I am.  Having a hard time thinking since then.  I'm in sort of an emotional purgatory at the moment.  I am okay, I am functioning, I'm at work, my anxiety actually isn't too bad weirdly, but I'm in this weird hell of having opened a box I've shut for years.  The box that has made me "okay", although I guess for years I've been "artificially okay."  I don't even know what all this means.

I'm reading things, seeing things, hearing things.  I don't know what's true, what isn't.  What to hold about myself, what not.  I've debated trying to get an appt today, but I don't want to bug her.  I can wait until tomorrow.  I want to run away, but I won't.  I will face this, all of this.  I will overcome and I will succeed.  Not sure if everyone believes in me, but it doesn't matter.  Right now I believe in myself.  I will somehow, someway, do this.  I know it.


  1. You got this! I'm seeking out counseling for the first time in my life. It's scary to me, but I've got this and so do you!

    1. Going to counseling is the best thing I've done. Although I want to run away from this and not face it, I'm getting better. I'm healing in a new way. I'm glad you're seeking counseling. You're right, we got this! <3