Counseling is opening up my eyes to something, moreso yesterday, although it's something I've been realizing for a couple of weeks. It's not just about the grief, the loss, the infertility. A lot of what I'm struggling with are things that have happened in my life, including my core beliefs on who I am, what I am, what makes me me and how I view myself.
Yesterday it came out. The truth of what I think of myself. I found myself opening up Pandora's Box and being open and honest about who I am. Having a hard time thinking since then. I'm in sort of an emotional purgatory at the moment. I am okay, I am functioning, I'm at work, my anxiety actually isn't too bad weirdly, but I'm in this weird hell of having opened a box I've shut for years. The box that has made me "okay", although I guess for years I've been "artificially okay." I don't even know what all this means.
I'm reading things, seeing things, hearing things. I don't know what's true, what isn't. What to hold about myself, what not. I've debated trying to get an appt today, but I don't want to bug her. I can wait until tomorrow. I want to run away, but I won't. I will face this, all of this. I will overcome and I will succeed. Not sure if everyone believes in me, but it doesn't matter. Right now I believe in myself. I will somehow, someway, do this. I know it.