I haven't done a real update in a while because I've been in transition and honestly wasn't sure "how" I was doing. I'm still in transition, but I have a better idea of how it's going now. I can honestly say I am starting to heal, truly heal, and start to find peace in my heart.
I'm carrying my kids with more love and less pain. The good days are more often as are the good moments. I still struggle.
I've come to accept that I am not only dealing with grief, but also PTSD. I'm learning what that means and how to keep making progress. My therapist is amazing and has been my rock and a true support in this. I have support from some amazing people. I try to keep to who I know is really there for me and can tell me the hard stuff when I need to hear it and pick me back up when I fall.
I'm learning to enjoy my family, I smile at Katie and look at what I have, not what is gone. I'm changing my perspective and tapes in my head and believing that my kids are with me always. They aren't gone from me, they are just not a part of Earth. I am still there mom, I'm just not raising them in the same way as Katie. I'm still very much connected to all 3, while getting to fully experience my oldest.
My therapist has noticed all the positive changes in me too. Most of these came about once I stopped Lexapro. Not a popular decision from those who care about me, but once they saw how I changed, everyone knew I'd made the right choice. Lexapro made me worse, not better. What was a tool back in October, was now holding me back from progress. The book I shared a few blogs ago, keeping myself in a more optimistic place, has really helped. It's one day at a time and May is coming up. I expect May to be hard, but here another thing I know, I will get through it. I will have days, moments, where I can't pick myself up, but I will. I will each time and I'll keep going through the darkness towards the light-my kids are in the light.
I am doing better, it's going to be okay. I'm currently in the midst of changes, but good ones. My kids have only brought out the best in me, it's just taken me a while to see that. With the amazing support system that I have, plus my own understanding and desire to make it through to that place of healing I've seen others reach, I know I can do it and I know I'm going to be okay.