Friday, May 27, 2016

Getting through Chase's first anniversary

I wanted a day similar to the one I had with Emma.  A day where I remembered him, took a picture with his bear, and kept his memory close with me. I knew fewer people would check in with me.  It's exhausting and emotionally draining and difficult for me to go through this two days in a row, much less people given a choice.  I have my community who lights candles in memory and does check in on me, but I knew there would be less of them yesterday and there was.  Even in birth, many people saw Emma, but only 3 people (aside hospital staff) ever saw Chase due to the horrific storm.

What I didn't expect was right after posting my blog post yesterday morning and heading downstairs to get dressed for work that I would fall down the stairs and hurt myself BAD.  I couldn't walk or put pressure on my left ankle.  The rest of me was not harmed.  I had an immediate panic attack that I was going to have to go to a medical setting, yesterday of all days.  I was frozen and crying.  I yelled for my husband to help me and he got me to the couch to look at the injury.  I texted pics to my sister, an RN, who told me that it was probably broken. My ankle was swollen to the size of a tennis ball. Either way, getting medical attention wasn't optional.  I called my mom to explain what happened so she'd understand why DH's car was here and the state of everything.  I took an anxiety med because yeah, not okay.

We first went to my PCP, I really couldn't handle an ER setting if I could avoid it.  I wanted least to most, physician wise.  My PCP said there was nothing they could do and no one they could recommend.  Honestly, I'm over the PCP.  Finding a new one this summer. I tried the minor emergency clinic next.  DH checked with them that they could help before getting me out of the car.  Everyone, including the staff there, was shocked to find that it was not broken, but very badly sprained.  They gave me pain meds and after the x-ray showed the sprains, bandaged me up in a temp cast and splint.

My last day of work is supposed to be today.  It was all playing again, the tapes. Medical setting, injury, end of the school year.  I was determined to make it to my work evaluation.  I had DH drop me off at one of my buildings. He helped me get to my office and once staff saw me come in with crutches, they got a wheel chair to get me to my office because I'm upstairs. DH left and I just broke down and cried ugly, ugly tears.  The amount of self pity I felt, the amount of hurt over Chase, over this, over the fact that I swear I can't ever climb out of anything.  I feel like life knocks me down time and time again. I'm not going to lie, I was full of self-pity.  It's not often I got into "poor me", in fact I despise when I do it.  I feel like a disgusting human being.  How dare I feel sorry for myself, but I did.

A coworker came some time later. She helped get me to the admin building for my evaluation.  It's this same sweet person who sat with me the anniversary of Emma.  Who's been there for me countless of times this past year.  I don't even know if this person knows how much I love her and what she means to me.

Anyways, I'm not going to go through the story of what it took for me to even get to said evaluation.  It's upstairs, no wheel chair, and where I needed to go was not near the elevator and it involved a lot of people trying to get me moved on a chair with wheels that didn't move well.  Eval was okay and I was told to turn in my laptop while I was there and call it a year.  No penalty for not coming today.  That was really appreciated because it started storming very badly again last night and now this morning.  One district is already closed.  I don't think mine will be because we're the only one who's last day is today and staff need to do check out procedures and get last minute stuff done.

After my co-worker took me home and my mom left, I felt sorry for myself again.  I couldn't light Chase's candle.  DH would have to do that.  DH and I grieve differently.  I was bitter, and self-loathing, I wanted to just disappear and die (not suicidal, just very, very down).  I fell literally in the morning and by the afternoon I'd fallen figuratively too.  I was not a good mom to Katie.  I let DH do all that, while I off and on cried.  He lit Chase's candle for me and took a picture.  I couldn't get the selfie I wanted with his bear, but he did get me the bears before bed so I could sleep with them.  I took something for sleep.

I did get myself centered that night when DH took Katie for her bath and bed.  I'd gotten myself a book just for me and I colored the opening page.  It's a healing book for grief and yesterday was the perfect day to start something in it. I calmed down as I colored and cried a bit.  I went to bed after finishing the page and maybe I'll do more later.

My children were united in life and now are united beyond. I am honored to be the mom of these beautiful children, Emma and Chase. They will always be in my heart (along with their little brother Ivy) until the day we unite.  To everyone who's read, commented, reached out to me in this past year and have supported me, even when I was really down and felt like I'd never, ever get back up again, thank you.  To everyone who lets me say their names, thank you.  The greatest gift I can get is to share my amazing children.


  1. Thank you for sharing their stories here. They are beautiful!

  2. Toughest year of your life is now behind you. You did it. You made it through hell and you fought to come out on the other side. I'm so proud of you. ❤️