Thursday, May 26, 2016

Getting through Emma's first anniversary

I'm not going to lie.  Yesterday was a hard day.  A very hard day.  I never did go back to sleep and the chest pain didn't go away either and only continued to get worse through the day.  A friend said it sounded like anxiety and I knew she was right. I didn't want to take anything, I wanted to feel all the pain.  I know even though I've mostly learned to forgive myself, I haven't completely, I know I still feel responsible on some level.  I know it was an attempt to punish myself.  I am alive, they are not.  However, I went ahead and took an anxiety med because I knew in my head I had to try and take care of myself, that I have to get through this.

The pain got better within in an hour of taking it and I didn't need another one the rest of the day.  It did start to hurt again, but by then I had my therapy appointment coming up and finally time to myself.  I had to work yesterday and do again today.  It's okay because my crying upsets Katie.  A co-worker who I consider a wonderful friend of mine came to one of my buildings with some lunch and was just with me.  I don't know if she knows how much that means to me, or maybe she does.  She's one of the very limited IRL people who know of this blog.  Most people do not, most are people I've met in various online communities.

I got home and there was a rush to get to therapy.  DH was working late, which put me at a bind for someone to watch Kate.  I found someone and then David said he was on his way.  A friend had sent something she knew arrived, but I didn't see it.  It turned out to be two caterpillars and 7 butterflies.  The butterflies were to be released and the caterpillars to watch grow.

I went to my appointment and I was nervous about sharing with her, especially the images of my twins.  She seemed really glad to see them and kept thanking me for sharing my babies with her.  She said she felt holy being in the presence of their memories of the tangible items I had of them.  I brought pictures of the pregnancy announcement, their ultrasound photos, pics of them after they were born, and a few others like a Mother's Day photo, a pic of Katie holding the bears on their due date.  I also brought their hospital certificates, death certificates, and my bears. It was a nice appointment and I struggled the more it went on, because these are my children and I wanted more and instead this is all I have.  I know I'm grateful to even have this much, it's more than I have with Ivy, although I do have one ultrasound of Ivy.

I came home and we released butterflies. We got Katie to bed and since DH and I grieve very, very differently, he went to play a game.  I poured myself some wine, sat outside in the backyard listening to the windchimes that bare their a name, given to me last year by a friend, and cried.  I let all my emotion, my love, my grief, the gratitude for the texts, messages, candles, gifts, and everything else given to me in remembrance of my babies.  I just let myself feel everything and cry.  I even closed my eyes and just let myself be with my emotions.  My chest didn't hurt after and I did take something to help me sleep because I've gone too many days without it and I know it's going to affect me and I still have to make it through today.  I have to go through two days of this every year, but I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.  I have no regrets that I am their mom. I love them with all my heart.

I took my bears to bed with me and snuggled them through the night.  Another day begins.  The one where I remember my Chase.

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