It started yesterday, having trouble focusing at work. Well, this whole week, I haven't slept much, been off and on irritable. The weather, the cramping, headaches, most of all the flashbacks. Counting each date, recalling what happened nearly a year ago. The day I bled and rushed to my OB to be told my urine was clear of any issues, babies looked good, my cervix, uterus, everything looked good. All lies. The appearances were not true. It was all wrong, very wrong. I was so sick.
Last night in counseling I almost broke down. She asked me if I could let myself cry. I have trouble crying. I used to not, but I have for years and I don't know why. I couldn't quite cry. I went home and did chores, got Katie to bed, and I was so exhausted I was in bed by 8:30, but I didn't really sleep. This morning I'm so exhausted. I broke down in the car. I don't want this. I don't want it to be a year. I don't want my milestones to be without them. Counting the distance, the separation, the length of time since I said goodbye. I want them here with me. I was sick and they died. A year later I'm here, they are not. I miss them. I miss them so much.
I keep thinking and picturing, what would it be like with the 3 of them? I'd be just as tired as I am now, but happily exhausted. Happy to have completed my family and knowing that it will get easier with 3 young children in time. I enjoy the struggles and joys of being a mom. The struggles are an honor to know and experience. The 3 of them would be playing. The twins would be 7 months or older. They'd be crawling soon. Big sister helping them. They'd be so much fun and oh, so much work. What would they look like? Personalities? How would Katie treat them? She's so sweet and gentle. It doesn't matter what it would be, because it isn't and never will be.
Today my heart hurts so bad I feel like it's going to break. Everything inside of me feels like it's going to break. I'm at work, so I can't cry. Maybe I can later. I want my kids. I want them with me. I don't want this to be real life.