Monday, May 16, 2016

In my head

1. The rain.  It won't stop raining.  It's supposed to storm daily for the next week.  The dark skies, the rain, the memories of last May.  I can't escape, I'm struggling to cope.  The anxiety is horrible.  I want to go hide and cry and cry and cry.  It's hard to explain, but I feel almost frozen, trapped in my fear.  I don't know that anyone gets it.

2. I wish my kids were alive.  My heart is hurting.  A year ago, my hopes, my dreams, my thoughts.  I wish they were a physical part of my family, not just an emotional one.  I'm doing the best I can.  I'm trying to embrace it.  I'm making the most of it, but there's a hole.  I miss them. I want them.  I think about them every single day.

3. I want to have another baby.  I want to be pregnant again, to bring home another living child.  To have the hopes and dreams that come with another baby.  I want it so bad.  I have to accept it probably won't happen.  Some days I think I can, some days I don't.  I'm scared it's going to fail.  I'm scared that it won't work.  I love Katie and I'm glad she's here.  I'm so incredibly lucky to be her mom.  I just want her to grow up with a sibling.  I want her to fight, argue, play, just experience life with a sibling.  I want the experience of raising more than ones, the challenges and the good parts.  I want all of it.

I'm having a hard time.  My days lately switch between 3 and 4.  I have counseling today and we'll see what we talk about.  I only get an hour and sometimes I feel like I freeze when I get there and forget everything.  I feel stupid, like everything on my mind is so insignificant and doesn't matter.

I have no one to really talk to right now, I know everyone is busy or sick of it.  So I post here.  No one has to read this either.

5 comments:

  1. I'm reading it... I'm proud of how far you've come and all the steps you've taken to help yourself. I'm not sick of hearing it. Sending you love.

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  2. Thank you! I needed that very much.

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  3. I'm reading it, and the Lord knows it all and cares about each and every one of your thoughts. He listens to you and His strength will sustain you. Your babies are safe and happy. And your future is bright. Good things are coming. Keep looking up.

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  4. I'm reading all your posts! I wish I lived near you and could take you out for coffee and dessert and tell you how precious you are and what a great mom you are and that's why this has hit you so hard. You love those children soooo much! Love, Kj

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  5. Reading all your posts even if I don't comment on it all. You are such a wonderful mommy to all your babies.

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