Monday, May 23, 2016

May 23, 2015

I'm numb and I mostly just feel alone.  My husband grieves different from me.  I'm just alone with my thoughts and my memories.  A lot of my support system kinda dropped off after the April incident and that's fine.  I have mental issues, I am grieving, I am nothing to no one, so why would anyone stand for me?  I provide very little for others.

I have counseling tonight.  I hope I have the guts to ask what I want to ask-can I please bring pictures, their things, all that I have that's my babies to my appt on Wednesday.  To have someone else see my beautiful and precious babies.

I remember today, a year ago.  It was Saturday.  My mom had decorated the house Friday for the gender reveal.  She surprised me with it, because it wouldn't stop raining all month and the gender reveal was supposed to be at a park.  I couldn't find a clubhouse or an indoor place, so I chose my house.  My mom knew I wasn't feeling 100%, trying to get through work until summer, toddler, pregnant with twins, stressed.  So on May 22, 2015 while I was at work, she surprised me by decorating the house.  I wish I'd taken pictures.  She hung pink and blue streamers everywhere and I can still see it.  I was so grateful and in so much awe when I walked through the door and saw it.  I was freaking out over how I'd get it all done by Monday.She did it for me though to help me out because she knew I was stressed.  It looked good.  I had owls a good friend was making for me to add to the decoration.

This was the reveal invitation I used, of course, with my personal information on it.


My friend was making the owls to match the invite and the theme was kind of outdoorsy, which was perfect for a park.  Like I said, it rained the whole month and so I had to cancel and move the party inside.  My mom decorated, the owls were coming that Saturday. 

May 23rd, 2015-I woke up and saw I had  LOT to get done.  My in-laws were coming over to help finished a covered area in the back that would be perfect for the kids.  I wasn't feeling really well.  I called the on-call OB saying I had contractions and it hurt to move.  He said since I was under 20 weeks, there was very little that could be done.  I could go to ER if I wanted/needed, but he recommended I take Tylenol and stay off my feet and drink a lot of water.  If things were not better, to call him back.

I had to go pick up the gender reveal cake.  We were doing a cake for Baby A (Emma) and Balloons for Baby B (Chase).  I was really excited to find out what I was having.  I had to take Katie to the pediatrician because I suspected an ear infection.  I was right and she did have one.  I remember having such a hard time lifting her to her car seat from the car.  It was sprinkling off and on too.  I finally got her back home and sat down.  I could hardly move.  My FIL said I looked terrible and told me to not move.  My BILs g/f at the time, now fiance, was helping with Katie because she was active and I just couldn't.  I remember just sitting there staring, I needed to put together favors, but I just couldn't.  I felt so mad at myself and usesless.  I was only a few days shy of 19 weeks, I knew I should be more active.  I felt like I was so lazy from everything and just annoyed. I had issues with Katie's pregnancy too right around the gender reveal.

I didn't go to the ER.  Things didn't seem worse, I didn't have a fever, probably because I kept taking Tylenol.  I remember having a bit of pink tinge in my pantie and kinda worrying about the excess fluid, but pregnancy does weird things.  I'd bled with Katie.  I figured sitting down and resting, lying on my left side, cold water, etc.  All of that would make it better.  Just take it easy and then Sunday I could finish everything.  I had the cake, the house was decorated.  I asked my friend to bring over the owls on Sunday because I couldn't do it on Saturday. I told myself take it easy the rest of the day, I had help with Katie and David was being awesome.  Then Sunday I'd have the energy to put it together.

I wish I'd gone to the ER this day.  Had I gone, could they have saved them?  Was it already too late?  My doctor says yes, everyone says yes.  I'll never know.  

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