Tuesday, May 24, 2016

May 24, 2015

I think I spent half of yesterday crying.  I crying while writing my blog post, I cried after, I cried at home when talking to David.  I cried and cried.

My therapy session went well.  I didn't cry there.  I don't cry easily in front of others. We talked about how I'm doing, how hard this is.  I asked if I could bring some pics and things tomorrow and she said she'd like for me to do that.  I have a box of hospital things I'm bringing, like their clothes, and then I'm printing off some pics of them when they were born and I have their ultrasound photos too.

May 24, 2015

I had so much to do for the reveal still.  I spent Saturday mostly resting.  I stayed in bed and DHgot Katie up and dressed.  He asked me if I wanted him to take her out for a bit so I could focus on getting things ready.  I said yes.  He took her to a jump place.

I was putting favors together since I could stay in bed and didn't have to move much. The pressure was horrible when I was walking.  I didn't feel well and even though I was in bed and not moving much I kept having contractions.  I downloaded a contraction app and after an hour I realized I had 18 contractions.  I also had a fever of 101 at this point-with Tylenol to try and calm down my uterus.

I called the on-call OB who was mine and he said go to the ER and he'd meet me since he was at the hospital.  I got everything organized since I knew DH and Katie would be back soon. When he got back I told him we had to go to the ER, something was up.  I was also still spotting pink.  I called my mom to please come watch Katie.  She came right over and made a joke about me going to the ER every time I had a gender reveal (I did this with Katie and I had a low lying placenta.  I was bleeding bright red the day of her reveal) and that I needed to get back home since I had a lot to do.

I went to the ER and explained I was 18w5d pregnant with twins and not doing so well.  They took all the blood, got me into a bed, and otherwise the wait was endless.  I kept having contractions and I was feeling worse.  No monitoring because I was under 20 weeks.  In the medical community no one gives a rats ass if your baby lives or dies if you're under 20 weeks.  They can't do anything anyways, so they don't treat it with importance.  They're in a big hurry to do all the genetic testing though, go figure.

As I sat there waiting my water broke.  I screamed.  I started crying and I told DH it was over, babies cannot survive if water is broken.  I had no idea if one or both had broken.  My water broke with Katie, so I was very familiar with it. With each contraction, more fluid came.  Your body continues to produce fluid even if your water breaks.  David ran out to alert a nurse while I kept crying and screaming that my twins were dead.

I was taken in for ultrasound and I saw them both.  Their hearts were strong in the 160s.  They both looked okay and for a min, just a min, I let myself believe it was going to end up okay.  I knew my pregnancy had changed, but I thought they are BOTH alive, strong hearts, it's going to be okay.

I was wrong.

My doctor finally came in and apologized, but said he wanted all the information before seeing me.  At this time they had both the u/s and the blood test results.  He told me baby A's (Emma) water was broken and that she was going to be born in the next 24 hours and she would be dead.  That there was nothing we could do.  DH fell to the floor crying and begging.  I asked is there anything to save the baby, she was alive, her heart was strong, she looked good. He said no.  Once the water breaks that's it.  He also said I had a severe infection in my body and they were concerned for my life at this point.  He said I would possibly need a transfusion, but that I was very, very sick and my health came before theirs, especially at their gestation.

DH went to go call my mom and his parents with an update while they were getting me settled. My mom had went to the cake in the fridge and took out the envelope to see the gender of Baby A.  I didn't know yet. She told DH.  DH came to me to see how I was doing.  Both of us grief stricken and in shock.  How did I wake up to planning a gender reveal to going to a room to wait for one of my babies to be born dead?  He told me baby A was a girl.  I knew she was my Emma Lee. (We had talked about names, we were firm on b/g twins, I had g/g names I liked, although David only liked Emma Lee at the time, we were conflicted on b/b names).

They found me a room, away from people.  A room be plugged into medicine to keep me alive and try to get rid of the infection.  A room to lie in alone while waiting for my daughter to be born dead.  I saw her one more time on ultrasound.  She was perfect and alive.


  1. Thinking about you so much these last few days. I hate how labor and delivery won't take you unless you're 20 weeks. Like that's the magic number. My friend lost her baby in the ER at 19.5 weeks, just 2-3 days from being able to be up in L&D. It's messed up.

    1. That's horrific. So much love and prayers to your friend. I'm so sorry for her loss and that it was in the ER.