Thursday, May 26, 2016

May 26, 2015 Chase is born

A year ago today at 6:05 am at 19w0d, Chase David Naylor, was born sleeping.He weighed 7.2 oz and was 8.25 inches long. He was handsome and perfect. Not a moment or day goes by that I don't miss him. He and his sister have changed my life forever.

The night Emma was born another rainstorm started.  The storm was so bad that roads were shut down and school districts were closed the next day.  A good friend of mine stopped by that night to visit me, the rain started while she was there and it was too dangerous for her to drive back home.  She spent the night with me.

DH was already gone because he had to take care of Katie. I was stable the entire day and continued to believe and tell myself that Chase would beat the odds, that I would fight the infection and then come home with him and while we'd never, ever forget or miss his sister, he would stay here with me.

Nurses checked on me often and I was constantly monitored.  I called nurses a few times saying I was having a lot of contractions.  They'd check the doppler every now and then and always there he was with a heartbeat.  He dropped after Emma left room for him, but he was okay. I slept off and on that night, never very much, always praying that he really would make it.  I would have some rounds of contractions that would scare me, then they'd go away.

28 hours after Emma was born, at 6:00 am I was typing an email to work.  Everything seemed calm and still.  I wasn't having contractions, things seemed stable.  Suddenly my water broke and I screamed, I'm not sure what all my words were except something to the effect of he's dead, he's dead, please someone help.  He's here.  I was still dilated from delivering Emma, when my water broke, he simple came out.  His birth was a lot less painful and much quicker than his sister.

My OB happened to be right outside the room and ran in to deliver him.  I was screaming and crying and telling him to just let me die.  My friend grabbed my phone and ran out of the room once I screamed my water broke to call DH.  At that point any hope I had was gone.  I'd delivered my second sleeping baby and now both were gone.  Due to the storm and road blocks, traffic lights out, etc.  It took a bit for DH to get to me.  He also had to call my mom, but she lives just a few min. from me.

My FIL walked in and started talking about trying again and I was horrified.  At the time I vowed never, ever to be pregnant again.  My words when he walked in were, I killed the other one too.  He tried to tell me not to say that, but I wasn't having any of that.  For anyone who might read this who remembers a year ago and how I was after, you know that I carried the full guilt of their deaths with me every minute of every day.

After I found out Emma's gender I needed to know "Baby B", aka Chase. I messaged a friend of mine, the one who was doing the balloons I was supposed to pic up on Memorial Day, the day of the reveal, and what became the day Emma was born.  That's how I found out Chase was a boy.

I remained stable after Chase was born.  It took them a long time to get the placentas out and they had to make sure.  I spent the day Chase was born holding him, like his sister.  It was just DH and I because the weather was too dangerous for anyone else to make it.  We tried getting the same pics and poses as we did for Emma, but it was hard since we were both broken.  With Emma a friend did them so her pictures are better.  I wish I had better pics of Chase.  Like his sister, when it was time to say goodbye we sang "Soft Kitty" and handed him to the nurse.  I remained in the hospital another full day. I went home on the 28th mid-morning.  I wasn't healthy enough to go home, but my mental state was not good and the doctor was worried that my mental health would deter my physical health, so I was allowed to go.

One of the hardest parts of all this is that I have two full days of each child.  I never got to have them together in my arms.  Emma came and then him.  I had to get through yesterday and now I do it again today.

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