Monday, May 30, 2016

Memorial Day

Memorial Day is the twins day for a few reasons.  It was the day that the gender reveal was supposed to be and it ended up being the day Emma was born.  It's hard not to think of them when I think of Memorial Day.  Since they were born 28 hours apart and it's hard to do stuff, usually in the middle of the week, on two days, we decided that we'd light a candle, do a little something on their anniversaries, but then remember them and do the actual "something" on Memorial Day.  This year we chose balloons.

I've had a very rough time lately.  From the anniversaries to getting injured to what feels like nothing working out.  I also have the guilt of I feel one twin gets more than the other.  What does that even mean?  Well, I feel Emma gets more than Chase.

On the day Emma was born, I had a lot of people come visit at the hospital.  I had help getting her picture taken so I have much better pics of her.  On the day Chase was born, the weather was so bad, outside of David, FIL is the only one who came.  No one helped with pics.  We had one nurse take a picture of David and I holding him, but otherwise David had to do it and he was in such grief he didn't get as good a pictures.  I don't have his features as much.

A year later.  With Emma I was able to get on the stool and light the candle myself.  I got to take a selfie with her bear.  Spend time in the backyard just remembering and reflecting and grieving and being emotionally with her.  On Chase's anniversary I fell down the stairs as soon as I posted stuff about him.  I couldn't get to the candle, so DH did it.  I didn't get a bear selfie with him.  It was storming again, plus I couldn't walk, so I didn't get any chance to just sit and reflect. He got less.  Tonight, I meant to release TWO balloons.  One for each child.  I got home and HIS balloon had somehow torn.  We were careful with both of them, but his didn't make it.  It was his because the blue string was tied around that balloon, even though I hadn't written the names on them yet.  I feel with every turn he gets less and she gets more.  It's hard to explain and probably sounds crazy, but it bothers me.  Also, something as simple as Instagram. I posted my message for Emma on IG and added it to FB.  I'm new to IG and forgot to do Chase, so she's the only on there.  I remembered a day later and thought about doing it, but really, it's too late and I felt like shit.

I've been struggling because a year ago I couldn't take care of Kate, needed help with most things, I was recovering and having to take it easy.  Here I am again, unable to do much.  My boot came in today so at least I don't need the crutches and I can walk around a bit more, but still.  It just sucks and I've had a hard time emotionally.  I've had a hard time being optimistic or thinking there's anything good in my future.  This Femara cycle has had me crazy due to me looking at everything as a bad sign.  The falling, all I could think was had Ivy not had Trisomy 16, I'd be pregnant with him and I fell down the stairs.  I could've killed him.  On one hand I don't think I'll ever conceive again, on the other I know I have some type of hope, otherwise why try?  Am I a danger to children? Unfit?  What if I had fallen and killed him?  Injured him?  What if this happens in the future?

A lot going in and out of my mind, some rational, some not, but it's been hard.  I've been following Tom Zuba like crazy and trying to take in his words and I've been hanging in there, but it's been tough.

Okay, to my release.  I wanted it at a park, but due to my lack of mobility, no park, we had to do backyard.  I wanted two balloons, but I moved Chase's string to Emma's balloon and did one side Emma and one side Chase.

The pictures. I'm gonna post my favorite one first.

This one is my favorite picture because the camera captures two sunbeams and if you look closely you can see the rainbow of color in each beam.  I have a heart around the balloon.

Emma's side.  The hand print is Katie's

Chase's side.  The handprint is Katie's.

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