Friday, May 6, 2016


Here comes Mother's Day weekend.  I knew this weekend was going to be tough.  I'm glad most of my week has been good, but today is less good.  Not sure if it's going to be a 3 or 4, but somewhere in there, I'm guessing.  I'm probably about a 3.5 right now.  DH and I are kinda having a moment and this weekend.  I can't get away from the memory of last Mother's Day and I'm trying to deal with reliving it.

I was not feeling well at all.  In the picture of me last year I'm pale and kinda sweaty.  I remember I felt warm, I think I had a fever.  I was taking Tylenol 3, prescribed by my OB, to manage the pain, it hurt to walk or be on my feet.  My FIL at the restaurant at lunch kept saying how awful I looked (thanks), pale and sickly and he was actually very worried about me.  I went from the restaurant to my house and just sat the rest of the day.  DH kinda had to do everything because I just couldn't.  Hindsight.....  The day before that I'd spent the whole day walking and shopping with my mom and sister. I got two sand dollar ornaments.  One had a little girl-Kate, the other had twins.  At the time I thought they could be any gender, but after the twins were born I went and looked at it again and it was clearly g/b twins, just like mine.  I remember my mom making me pause before the purchase, she asked, how will you feel if you lost them?  I said I'd love it even more.  I'm remembering and reliving all of it right now.

I'm okay, not in danger, this is a hard weekend.  I knew going into it.  Tomorrow I'm doing a drink/paint thing with my mom, sister, and oldest niece, followed by lunch.  On Sunday I'm probably going out to a light brunch with my mom and then in-laws are coming over.  I asked to please just not do a restaurant as that's too much for me right now and that's been respected.  The brunch thing is okay since it's a simple buffet and much different from last year.

I wish I'd known.  I wish with all my heart I'd insisted something was wrong.  I honestly didn't know.  I just thought twins, toddler, full-time job, I have a lot of sleep issues, especially when I'm preg, so I was tired.  It was May, the most exhausting month of the year at my job.  I didn't know.  I wish I had, I wish something had said please tell the doctor.  I know it does me no good to go back, I can't help it, it's the PTSD.  Reliving, seeing, being there.  I'm okay though, it's manageable.  I've had these moments before.  I'm writing about it to help me process, so that it's not just stuck in my head.

How I feel about my kids

This is Mother's Day 2015.  I have makeup on to help my color, but I'm pretty pale. I was sweaty too, which is why my bangs look wet.  I didn't feel hot, I think it was fever coming up and down with Tylenol.  I remember being annoyed I was sweating in my forehead and back of neck.  Uncomfortable and I was like my makeup's getting ruined.  Yeah......

A friend added the text later, but this is the sand dollar twins I picked up that weekend.

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