I had a consult with my RE today about the "Hail Mary" cycle, aka, final attempt to bring home another living child.
I was scared that I would have an emotional breakdown, extreme anxiety, depression, etc. Actually, I did really good. I felt okay, my anxiety was in check, I didn't feel depressed, just very strongly want this final attempt to work, feeling like it won't, and knowing I have no control over the outcome anyways. It's either going to happen or it's not.
Anyways, my RE is really awesome. He was very concerned for my emotional well-being. He started off by asking a million questions on how I was doing. Was I seeing anyone? How was I feeling? He said I seemed a lot better than the last few times I saw him and that I looked better too. He seemed pleased with my mental/emotional state.
He said even though we know the reason for all my losses he wants to do a blood panel on me to check for antibodies that could be attacking the pregnancy and also to see if I need blood thinners or anything else. He just wants to rule out any potential issues that could affect a pregnancy or the chances of my cycle working. He went ahead and emptied my vein today since that doesn't need to be done on any specific cycle day. He also wants to do a salinesonohystogram to make sure my uterus and tubes are clear from any scar tissue before I get started. Once everything is done, then if I'm ready I can do the "Hail Mary" cycle after next. This would put me around mid-June. Currently I'm 11 dpo and expecting AF any day now. When it starts I'll call to schedule the last test and we go from there.
One day at a time, one step at a time. Yesterday my day ended up being a 3. Lots of triggers and I kept pulling myself up, then falling down, kinda went back and forth all day. I didn't feel like I got as much out of counseling, but I was struggling when I went there. Weather is a HUGE trigger for me and we've been living in the land of storms lately. When I walked out of counseling the sun was out for the rest of the evening and that helped my mood a lot. I'm doing a lot better today-it's a 4. Overall I think I'm doing well this month all things considered. It's getting harder as it's getting closer to the anniversary date. I just really, really miss them.