Tuesday, May 24, 2016

State of Mind

I'm pretty sure PTSD is hitting me right now.  It's hard to explain.  I'm trapped inside myself.  I've had a few people check in on me and all I can say is I'm ok.  I don't offer details, explanations, etc.  People haven't been pushing.  I find myself retreating and hiding, physically and figuratively.  I can't engage right now.  I don't know how. I perceive danger everywhere.  Danger from what?  I don't know.  I'm just trapped inside myself and I can't explain it to anyone.

I couldn't go to a lunch today at work.  Not with people who know what this week is, what tomorrow is.  I do okay with people who don't know or people I know who won't ask me.  I'm contradictory, because I want to tell people, but I can't. I'm trapped.  I can't explain it. I went to a building I thought I could be at for work, but I saw the stuff of coworkers and knew they'd be back after lunch.  I had sudden panic, like fear for my life, and had to get out and leave.  I went to another building where no one is and I'm working from there.  I feel safer, it's hard to explain.  My fear is not rational, I know this.  I'm trying to breathe, trying to remind myself it's okay, trying to stay in the present, in the here, and the now.


  1. This is how I was for the first three months after. Then about a month before we came up on a year. You are making so much progress. You will find a new normal and you will hold all 3 of your babies in your heart.