Friday, May 20, 2016

The hard moments

I got through yesterday and even took something to help me sleep last night.  I woke up better today.  I did okay most of the day, just kinda numb, dealing with the typical stresses of work.  In the afternoon I started to feel anxiety.  I kinda shrugged it off, no biggie.  It started getting worse.  I tried some oils and then started heading home.  The anxiety intensified to almost a panic attack.  I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was about to have a heart attack.  I wasn't sure what to do.  I went ahead and took some anxiety meds.  As I got home it wasn't much better.  I had a little bit of wine and then decided to try my meditation.  No improvement.  I started messaging a fellow loss mom and all of a sudden I lost it.  I started crying, big ugly, chunky tears.  I screamed into my pillow.  I just lied in my bed crying and crying and crying, I was in so much pain, everything hurt inside of me.  I miss them.  With every cell in my body, I miss them.  Once the tears were spent I started to feel better, I calmed down, the anxiety went away.

The truly and ugly face of grief.  This is what it looks like.  This is the best picture I have of the pain on the inside spilling to the outside.

Every loss mom knows this feeling. The feeling of a breaking heart of a soul that's missing pieces.  Having to realize that this is only one year of many where they are gone.  Counting milestones away, the dreams I once had shattering.  In a way, last year is happening all over again.

I'm doing much better.  I didn't try to harm myself in any way.  I contacted a friend.  I cried and let myself feel all the emotions.  These aren't just emotions of pain, they are emotions of love.  Emotions I get because they are mine and always will be.  I am better now and I know more of these will come this upcoming week.

This evening I will take care of myself.  After Katie goes to bed I will have a relaxing bath with my oils and take something to help me get some rest.  I'm surviving today, just like I've survived all the others and will have more in the future.

1 comment:

  1. Grief is ugly and hard. I'm so very thankful that you are letting yourself cry and rage and not be ok. I'm so thankful that you have found someone that is helping you. The due date wasn't as hard as passing the day I lost our son...the build up of getting to that day even now is worse than the day itself. I'll be praying for you as you navigate this first.