Sunday, May 29, 2016

Two worlds

I'm torn in two worlds right now.  A world where this year is reminiscent of last year and a world where it isn't.  Yesterday was a hard day and I only began feeling better, emotionally, towards the evening. It was too much "the same."

I have a health issue (my foot), due to it I'm very limited in what I can do.  Everyone fussing over me and trying to take care of me.  I'm not allowed to do this, not allowed to do that because I can't really walk much and honestly I'm at a very high risk of this being worse or a reinjury.  I again, won't be able to go to the pool for quite a while.  I missed the end of the school year. My foot either has to be in a splint or a boot at all times. David and Katie are going to go off to the pool. David said I could come watch, but all I picture is last summer when all I could do was sit in my grief and watch and as selfish as that sounds, I can't do it again. Then the real fear, the thought I can't escape.  I am supposed to be pregnant right now.  I could've lost a baby by falling down the stairs.  How do I go on every day knowing every single day I wake up something horrible can happen?  I have no control.  I was just going down the stairs.  My mind was occupied so I thought I reached the bottom when I didn't. I just feel scared and sad.  I feel nothing within me is safe, nothing around me is safe.

On the one hand I really don't think I'll conceive again.  Certainly it won't be this cycle.  Since I can't do much of anything, I started thinking about follicle size and off to dr google I went to find something new I think about myself.  I went to look at cycle histories.  Most people worry about their follicles being big enough, I think my issue is they get too big.  A follicle isn't considered to have a "good egg" or even an egg after it's 25 mm.  Mine were 20 on Friday.  A follie grows an average of 2 mm a day.  This would make me at a 24 today.  Now I did have a 22 and a 25 when I conceived the twins, so I'm not out of the realm of ability, but looking back at some where my left was a 29, 28, etc. I'm starting to see what part of my issue might be. I also go back to my REs original words when he looked at my labs and history for the first time-it's an ovary issue.  I think so.

Anyways, I'm drifting. On the other hand while I think I won't conceive again, I can let go of the possibility that I "might" and that I could.  If I didn't deep down believe there was a chance, I wouldn't do it, wouldn't spend the money, the emotions.  I have conceived 3 out out of 4 medicated cycles with my current RE although only one child lives.

We've had so many storms here, there's flooding again, roads shut down, it's horrible. One thing DH did was go pick veggies off my garden.  I couldn't believe how much we got.  The small tomatoes are cherry and I was told to pick them green and let them ripen off the vine.

I don't have a rainbow, I may never have one, but I couldn't help but think of the concept when I looked at all these veggies from my garden.  From the storm, from a bad thing, life came, these veggies came.  We enjoyed the zucchini in our pasta for dinner and later I snacked on cucumber slices and ranch dressing. I'm excited for what the garden is producing this year.  I tried to see it as hope.

One of the caterpillars I got as a gift on Emma's anniversary has turned into a chrysalis.  I know the picture isn't great, but it's in a cup.  Again, new life.

And the reality.  The swelling has come down a lot, but the ankle doesn't look good and has a ways to go. I can walk on it, but I'm being careful not to do so to much and hinder healing since I don't want this process to take loner than it already is going to.

I'm trying to hang in there.  It just gets hard.

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