Sunday, May 1, 2016


I've been holding steady this weekend and doing pretty good. I decided I wanted a better picture of how I'm doing, especially if I'm considering one last attempt next month.  I decided to do a point system.

5-Great day, no emotional issues, or very minor ones that didn't impact my day.
4-Good day.  I might've needed one anti-anxiety pill, needed coloring, a drink, just something to kinda help take the edge off, but otherwise did okay.
3-So/so day.  This means I had a lot of ups and downs throughout the day
2-Barely making it, kinda pushing myself through my day
1-Horrific, we're talking the PTSD kicks in, self-harm thoughts, not sure I can make it, etc.

So far here's how it's looking.  I actually remember this past week so I started myself from last Monday.

4/25-5, 4/26-3, 4/27-3, 4//28-2, 4/29-1, 4/30-4, 5/1-4.  I was hoping for a 5 today, but I've been dealing with some anxiety. This is THE month for the twins, it's bereaved mother's day, I'm honestly stressed out about the fertility treatments next month.  Just scared that it's it, the last try, and the real knowledge that luck or chance isn't on my side.  It's probably going to fail.  I know I have to accept what is and move on, but right now, no matter how small, there is hope.  Once I do it, it's done. At the same time, it's been 5 years.  5 years of very actively trying.  Even before I knew I had a problem I was very involved in reading, OPKs, charting, etc. But I've done well today, made lunch, gone on with my day, played with Katie.

Someone posted this on my wall and it meant a great deal so to me and everyone else:

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