Sunday, June 12, 2016

BFN

The Femara/TI/Progesterone cycle did not work.  Shocking, right? Yeah, me neither.  What did suck ass was me having a dream on Thursday night.  Let me start with I rarely ever dream.  I'm not a great sleeper and I either seldom dream or don't recall them.  Either way, my last dream was at the beginning of my Ivy cycle. Anyways, I dreamed that my acu was telling me I was preg with twins and he was touching on my uterus where they were.  He also told me they were non-viable and trying to find a doctor to remove them from my body.  I remember being aware that these were not Emma and Chase, but a different set of twins and they were gone too.  Then I woke up.

I went to go test because I wanted to see a BFN and be done with progesterone.  It had been making me nauseous, I wasn't feeling well, life has just been a big downer since I fell down the stairs. So, I saw a slight line, not a start white.  I had a moment of fuck, what is happening?  There is no way this is real.  No way. I tested mid-day and nothing.  Tested late at night and there was the same ever so slight line, like barely there and a huge dye run.  I figured the real answer would come the following morning. It did, it was stark white.  The cycle was a BFN, just some random fluke that would occur on my test.

AF came late yesterday and so today marks CD 1.  In addition to this loveliness, my RPL tests with my RE didn't come back 100% right either.  I'm meeting with him Thurs to talk to him about everything. I'm looking at next cycle, which should start around the beginning of July, being the final one, my Hail Mary.  I have no optimism or hope that it's going to work.  I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to accept that this is finality of TTC and move forward. Somehow I'll figure it out since we all have to. Life is life.

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