Thursday, June 9, 2016

Funk

I've been in a real funk this whole summer so far.  I couldn't wait for summer, told myself, this was finally the one that was going to be the real summer and have some fun. Two years ago David lost his job, a year ago the twins, I knew I probably wouldn't conceive this summer, but I was still determined to enjoy my time with my family.

Except I injured my ankle badly.  Except, just like a year ago, I'm having a hard time getting around, needing assistance, watching other people have fun with my living child because I can't do much.  I'm getting a bit better, but without a stint or boot I can't walk or put any pressure on it.  It's been two weeks.  I can't go swimming or do any of the fun water activities.  I have to stay away from very busy kid places because too many kids and one might run into my injured leg and then I could be worse.

I started my contract job and it's very disappointing.  Not even slightly what I'd hoped and not many hours either.  My testing came back from the RE.  The testing I didn't think would show any other issues, except it kinda did.  I won't go into it because I don't know exactly what it means.  I've set up a follow-up with my RE for Thurs the 16th to review everything.  I'd decided to wait until July for financial reasons and ankle reasons as well.  Since I'm at a high risk for reinjury and might need to take all different kind of meds, I didn't want to risk that with a treatment.  It really is my last chance-the only shot I have left to ever bring home a living child.  One try.  It's not even possible it's going to happen, is it?

My story will never end like I'd hoped. It's impossible, because I will never raise all my children, but I'd hoped to have peace in knowing that Katie wouldn't grow up alone, but I'm going to have to face that, aren't I?  I'm going to have to actually just walk away from this after this summer and figure out a completely new life.  I'm still trying to figure out the one where my twins died.

Yeah, it's been a year.  I should be "over it", huh?  There is no over it.  I don't know who I am, I don't know where to go from here.  I have many days I'm just confused.  I don't recognize myself in the mirror.  I don't recognize pictures of my old self either.  The days the joy shun through my eyes.  The days I thought after all of infertility it was going to end okay.

I don't know the point of even writing this, except is all festering inside of me.  I feel disconnected from the world. I don't even want to go to counseling anymore.  I don't know what I want.  I know some of what I want, I want to have one more living child, I want to enjoy what life I have with the family that is here.  I want things to be okay.  Sitting here today, this moment, I feel it's never going to.

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