Tuesday, June 21, 2016

The war within me

It's been a hard time lately.  A very hard time.  Especially since I hurt my ankle and now with this diagnosis.  To me it's all "just one more thing."  It's been a very crappy summer.  The break I was looking for just isn't panning out.

I'm injured. I'm limited in everything I can do.  I even have to watch where I take Katie, too many kids or too busy and I risk someone running into me and then having to reheal over and over again without progress.

My contract jobs are not what I'd hoped.  I find them frustrating more than anything and I'm actually regretting not just working summer school.

Hashimoto's diagnosis on top of everything.  Like I really needed that.  This has put a huge damper on things because thyroid is very complicated and I'm honestly seeing a lot of confusion and inconsistencies among people.  Synthroid has helped mine, synthroid did nothing for me, free t3 is too low and synthroid only helps with t4 and your body is not converting properly.  Your Vid D is too low and that can cause t3 to be low as well.  Just so much.  Then I've had a few people outright tell me that my levels are not good for a pregnancy.  That to do my July cycle is almost asking for a miscarriage.

I'm torn on this.  I know in my heart of hearts, this isn't new.  It's just newly diagnosed.  I've had three pregnancies.  I'm very sure that at least with the twins, I didn't have good numbers.  No one has said that their loss was tied to thyroid.  I guess the indirect thing can be that since Hashimotos is an autoimmune disease my body was weak and that's how I got the blood infection, so indirectly it could've led to their loss.  I don't know.  I know about it now though and I'm trying to figure out what to do now.

Side 1
I'm 35.5 years old with DOR.  I've had DOR at least since I was 30.  I do not conceive without treatments and yes, most of the time it's resulted in pregnancy, but not every time and with my FSH increasing like it has (used to be 6 now around 9, my e2 is the same) and honestly all of this put together, I'm at a reduced chance for success.  Not impossible, maybe not even improbable, but my chances of even getting pregnant become less and less.  The chance of a chromosomal abnormality have increased. The chances of pregnancy complications has increased and were already high to begin with based on all my prior pregnancies.

I'll be returning to work early August full-time.  It's going to be VERY hard, almost impossible to do treatments at that time.  I also don't want a May due date.  May is not a happy month for me and right now if this were to work, my due date would fall around my anniversary in April.  This is only tied to good thoughts and memories. I'd also get to stay home for a longer period of time.  My leave would extend to summer and then I'd have all of summer.  If  I were to ever bring home another living baby I know the emotional aspect would be bigger this time.  The timing and everything works perfect for a July cycle.


Side 2
I have a known thyroid condition, one that can and may lead to a loss.  How in good conscience do I go through a treatment that might work and risk the health and life of an innocent child?  How do I selfishly do this?  I have plans, I'll ask for a lot of thyroid testing, I know my RE will check my levels every 2-3 weeks and I know he'd adjust.  Is this enough?  Not enough?  In a perfect world I'd make sure my numbers were good and then do it.  But I don't live in a perfect world.  I live in a world where things tend to go wrong.

What do I do?  What decision do I make? My therapist yesterday wanted to know where DH was in all this.  DH leaves it up to me.

Do I trust a RE who's never strayed me wrong?  Who's gotten me all my pregnancies?  Tested me for all the things and gave me hope and answers.  Do I questions him on this one thing that maybe it isn't time to do this? This has been a physician who's truly cared about me.  Who's told me when you're doing this bad emotionally, you have to wait on treatments.  He even ignored me to ask David how my mental health was Thursday when I saw him.  He cared more about that.  He said he can work with my body, what he can't fix is my emotions and that's what worries him more than anything.  He said he feels I'm doing so much better emotionally and he's comfortable with this last round.

What do I do?  Where do I go from here?  How do I make the right choice?  I know what my heart wants.  I want to do the July cycle. I want to move past the TTC chapter.  I want to either bring home another baby (this more than anything), or learn to accept that I have Katie and I'm very, very grateful for her, but I'll also need to learn to carry my losses with me and accept that she is the only child I'll get to raise.

What do I do?  I'm so confused, scared, torn, hopeless.  I just want one more child to add to my family  One more.  Why can't I have that?

2 comments:

  1. I understand all the whys as to moving forward in July but my personal opinion is that you need time to deal with your Hashimoto's diagnosis before moving forward. If this is truly your last attempt you want to give it the best chance possible. If you push for July and it doesn't work - or God forbid it does but then you have another loss - I know from your past posts that you will never stop questioning if it was your fault/if you caused it to happen and if it would have turned out differently if you had just waited a few months. I think you need to choose the path with the fewest potential regrets. As a fellow 35 year old with DOR who has had three losses, has one living child, and who very much wants a second, I can tell you that I would wait, no doubt. Hugs to you as you make this decision! -Polly

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  2. Hashimotos hasn't been a big deal for me. I've had it for 14 years now. I tend to stay away from a lot of gluten and dairy because I noticed I have less joint pain with my RA. I think my RA has had more effect on my inability to get and stay pregnant than my thyroid. I do tend to get pregnant when my tsh is around 1 and I'm on steroids. I stay pregnant with progesterone and estrogen.

    My RA diagnosis rattled me because I was in nursing school at the time and didn't know if I would be able to be a nurse or even be able to function with how bad the initial flare was.

    Getting my thyroid under 'control' took a few months before we found the dose that made me feel like a normal human being.

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