Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Follie check #2 of "Hail Mary"

I had my second and last follie check and blood work this morning. Stats:

Left: Nothing
Right: 22, 21, 20
Lining: 8.66
E2: 323

Instructions-Trigger tonight at 11:00 pm and IUI on Friday at 11:00 am

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To say I'm scared right now is an understatement.  I am downright terrified. Like petrified fear.  What am I scared of?  I'm scared it won't work.  I'm scared it will work.  I'm scared of multiples, actually, terrified of multiples. I'm scared of losing more baby/ies.

The right side has been the one that's given me success. With Katie I had one on the right, two on the left. With the twins, I had two on the right, one on the left.  I forget the failed cycle, but I can look.  I want to say one each.  With Ivy, I had two on my right, none on my left.  This is the first time I've ever had 3 on my right.  This is the highest my e2 has ever been.  I'm just scared.  Anything is possible and I can choose to risk and go and choose to run away and hide.

I want to run away because I'm so scared, but I want another baby.  I'd prefer Katie not grow up alone and this is the risk and chance I have to take for this to happen.  I don't have other options.  So on Friday I'll go in for the IUI and pray that somehow, someway, however this cycle turns out, that it's going to be okay.  That if there isn't conception, I can let go in my heart, accept the child I do get to raise and the others who live in my heart and go on.  That if there is conception that the child(ren) be healthy and born alive.  That if I lose another child, I can somehow find peace.  More than anything I hope for peace inside my heart, that's what's best for my family.

I thought my husband would be more scared, but he isn't.  He said lets just go with it and then whatever happens, we will be okay and deal with it.  I'm glad I have therapy tonight, but I am so scared I can barely breathe.

Please, God, just let it be okay.  Please.

1 comment:

  1. Wishing you the absolute best. Praying for a miracle. Take some deep breaths. Be positive for your future babies. I'm sending you love and hugs!

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