Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Kindness of others

There's one thing I've been amazed about since I lost Emma and Chase.  It's been the extreme kindness and support of people.  I'm going to honestly say, I don't think I'm that great a person at all.  In fact, I very much despise myself and yes, this is being addressing in therapy, but it's very slow going because I struggle more than I could ever explain.

Anyways, it started with the group of people I've met throughout my infertility journey and those close to me in my life.  I figured as time went on people would forget about me.  I know to me this is a major thing in my life, 3 of my kids are gone. No matter what happens with this cycle, rainbow or not, nothing will ever change the fact that they are gone and I miss them and I'd give anything to have them back.  My life is touched and changed.  I don't regret a single day with my kids, only that it was too short.  However, they are MY kids, so this is expected.  However, even though I'm now almost 14 months out from the loss of the twins and 5 months out from losing Ivy, people do care, people are still there for me.  I'm amazed, humbled, and honored.  I think this has to do more with my babies than with me, because again, I'm not that great a person.

I have people who have done random acts of kindness in the name of my kids, given me gift cards for a date night, keepsakes with my children's name on them, random messages and cards letting me know I'm being thought of, or pictures of rainbows, skies, and just things that make people think of my children in their day to day life.  All of this means so much to me.  I know there's people reading this blog who are praying and thinking of me and I probably have no idea who you are.  I'm seriously humbled and amazed and in tears over the kindness and caring my kids and I have received.  I hope everyone knows how much this means to me.  How real my kids are and how much they continue to exist in my world and will forever.

Yesterday, someone shared with me pictures that were colored in memory and thought of my children and I.  This person told me she's been thinking about us all a lot.  This was extra touching because even "Mary" was included.  A dream, prayer, and hope child.  Someone who isn't and may never be real.  We'll see.  When I said this, she said, that's why I made her picture rainbow colors. Someone spent time, with a vision, and us in thought.  I'm truly amazed.  I can't thank everyone enough for caring.

I wanted to share the pictures and she's going to send them to me.  I'll have to frame them once they're here and put them up, I can't wait!!

To everyone who supports me, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

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