Saturday, July 23, 2016

The final 2ww

So here I am, 8 dpiui, after today, it's going to be reality. Feels like a game show, am I going to phase 2 or is it game over?  Today it feels like game over, but even if I continue to play, the fear will be there.  For the first week I was pretty calm, after all, nothing much happens in the first week.  The second week?  That's when I struggle and since about Thurs, 6 dpiui, I've been having depression.

It started when a person I know gave birth to her twins on Thursday.  I am thrilled for her and it was good to see the whole family healthy, happy, and together.  Of course I thought about my own twins, my story, the one that ended differently than that.  It doesn't matter that it's been nearly 14 months, it still hurts.  It will always hurt.  I miss them.  I miss them all so much. 

Friday was better, but still hard.  I ended up going to a Pot Luck Memorial Dinner for an amazing person who passed away in June.  She was a friend and co-worker.  I got to know her more this year than before and even moreso the past couple of months.  She's the one who gave me the Femara I used this cycle. I'd like to think she's with my babies and cheering me on.  What seemed to her to be discarded meds she no longer needed were to me a chance at another life.  Another co-worker brought her month old daughter.  It was my second time seeing this precious baby and while the first time I easily held and looked at her, this time it hurt. I kept seeing all the newborn stuff babies do, the hands, the faces, the sounds, just all of it and my heart broke.  It broke because Katie's grown up so quick.  She's become a little girl, not a baby.  It broke because I have three amazing children I wish I could've seen and held at this stage and I won't get too.  Finally it broke, because this might be "game over."

Today I'm pessimistic, I'm moody.  I'm scared.  I'm so scared.  I don't feel like it worked.  I just don't.  My poor husband.  He keeps asking me if I know yet, wants to know when I'll know.  I'm delaying telling him that I'll most likely know in the next 48 hours.  That with Katie and the twins the test turned darker at 9 dpiui and with Ivy it was 10 dpiui.  Of course I always need a few days of darkening to feel secure in a bfp.  The trigger is faint, but still present, but I'll know how this worked or didn't in 48 hours.  It will devastate him if it doesn't. I can see it in his eyes and it kills me.

This sentiment is the torture of the two week wait.  In reality if I find out I passed phase one and onto phase two, I'll remain here.  If it's over, then it will be agony.  I will get through it because that's what we humans do.  We deal with our circumstances the best we can and move forward.  I have Katie and many walk away without any child to raise. 

I colored this picture.  I started yesterday and finished today.  Hanging onto that hope and agony as I colored each item. I felt like teenager with a flower, BFP, BFN, BFP, BFN.  It's torture. It's purgatory.

Tonight I'll have a relaxing bath and drink what I hope is my last glass of wine for quite a while and cry, hope, and despair. I'll cry for Katie who's growing up too fast for me, for Emma and Chase who I got to carry for 19 precious weeks, deliver their bodies, and hold each one for a few hours, for Ivy, the baby who got the worst of me.  The baby who felt the anguish I carried for his older siblings.  So much anguish it was hard to feel the love I had for him.  And for "Mary" who at this moment is only a dream, but begging for reality.

And we will see.


  1. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

  2. Amber, I was a part of the Dec 13 BBC board until I had to delete my profile for privacy reasons. However, your journey has stayed with me, and every so often I check back in on your thread. I just read your update today, and I have to tell you that I have so many prayers and hopes for you! I understand the uncertainty and fear. I had a dream about you, sweet Katie, and a darling little son not long ago. With as often as I ask God to watch over your family, I like to think it was a sign from Him telling me that your rainbow has a happy ending. I'll be sending especially warm thoughts your way today. Good luck!!