Saturday, August 27, 2016

Another struggling post

I feel sad.  I'm very overwhelmed in life right now with my jobs, with a health issue regarding Katie, just everything seems to be piling up on me.  While I was happy to see a h/b the day of the ultrasound, the reality that Mary started out as 3 and now is one is getting to me.

My therapist was on vacation last week, so Monday will be two weeks since I've seen her.  I honestly feel like I'm near a breaking point.  Not a personal safety kind of breaking point, but just emotional.  I don't cry easily and honestly my whole chest feels packed like sardines.

I'm having a hard time feeling optimistic about the baby I do have.  For some reason 2/3 of this pregnancy is gone and didn't make it.  Still unsure if these were babies or not since the sacs were empty and not sure how to place all of this in my mind and my heart.  Since two of them are gone, it makes me pessimistic for the third.  What happened?  And why is this one okay so far?  Am I going to lose this one too?  I'm panicking since I'm really expecting not to see a heartbeat next time I go.  I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack over it.  A few days before my last ultrasound my symptoms significantly dropped and have continued that way.  I hardly feel anything now, I know it's because my body recognized what happened and I'm probably producing less hormones than before.

I have 0 doctor monitoring my thyroid.  I just couldn't do the heart palps with everything else.  It got better after the decrease, but never went away.  This week I just felt like I couldn't take it anymore when I was lying there in the motn with my heart pounding.  Two days after stopping synthroid the palps went away completely.  It's been a relief, but I know my thyroid is not okay.  I know the synthroid wasn't helping, but I'm having a hard time finding anyone who will help me.

FB just reminded me that 3 years ago today, I reached viability with Katie.  Will I ever reach that with Mary?  Just seems so far away and so many roadblocks.  I'm having weird pains and cramping this morning and I'm panicking.

I think that's it, I feel like I'm in a state of panic right now.  I just don't know.  I know this post is all over the place, I'm just grieving, I think about my other 3 kids nonstop lately, the two sacs, scared about Mary, worried about Katie, issues with my job, plus general life stuff and I'm overwhelmed and can't process. I feel like a failure when it comes to everything right now.


  1. I pray that comfort and peace comes to you!

  2. Try to stay positive as hard as it seems.
    As for your thyroid, I recommend asking for Armour Thyroid. I used to take synthetic and while my numbers improved, my symptoms didn't. I switched to Armour (it's natural), I don't have any symptoms and have more energy. Plus, not no pounding heart rate issues.

  3. Hi Amber,
    I am so sorry for your struggles but I well imagine they are to be expected. How could you possibly breathe easily after all you have been through. I struggle with the twins and their outcomes. I had two babies that both started out as success stories only for my one twin, as you know to have megacystis. This is not a chromosomal issue so I struggle with how one could end up with a death sentence and the other could seemingly be so perfect. I feel guilty at times thinking did I do something that only affected the one. Could I have done something differently? I have no answers. Only this sense of bewilderment as to how things went so terribly wrong. No-one can make this time easy for you and no one can assure you that everything will be okay with Mary although, I'm quite sure that we would all like to take your heartbreak away and replace it with the certainty of Mary being perfect. All I can say is take it day by day as best you can. Hope for the best, enjoy when you can if you can and take all the support you can get from whoever will give it to you. I continue to pray for you and your family.