Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Bad Mom

Right now I just want to cry. People seem to think I can do this, people seem to think it's going to be okay.  It's not going to be okay.  The last two days I've realized how utterly selfish I was in doing this final treatment. I'm a horrible mom to "Mary." How dare I try to get pregnant?

How will this end okay?  I don't even see it being possible. I brought innocent life into a broken body.  3 other children didn't make it and I don't see why this is different.  This is even worse because unlike last time when I didn't know I had thyroid issues, now I do know.  And I still went and did it and now I can't find a good doctor to manage it.  I only have doctors that look at what's in range and say I'm fine, which isn't true.  It's 99 here and I'm in a sweater and socks because I am freezing cold.  I have off/on heart palpitations.  The one recommended doctor covered by insurance in my area, can't see me.  Mary is going to die.  I don't know when, I don't know how long, and I'll keep finding, because I owe him/her/them, but I'm a shit mom for this and I'm ashamed of myself.

I just wanted to bring another child home, another child to love, a child for Katie to grow up with, but I was selfish.  Making kids is one thing, giving them a proper body to grow is another and I failed. I failed WITH knowledge this time and however this happens, I deserve it.  I just hope Mary knows how sorry I am.  How much I love him/her/them and how I didn't realize I was being this selfish until it was too late.

I'm also having a lot of guilt about Ivy. Poor Ivy, I was selfish then too.  Getting pregnant and my poor son never had love from my heart. I did what I was supposed to do as far as food, drink, supps, etc, but I almost despised him for being him and not my twins.  I'm just a very sick, awful person.  I disgust myself.

6 comments:

  1. Please call your therapist!

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  2. Oh Amber, I'm so very sorry you are hurting so badly. I know no amount of countering your negative thoughts will make them go away. Only working through all the pain can do that. And that's hard. Harder than hard. Please see your therapist as soon as you can. You deserve that self care and it's something you can do for Mary as well. Sending you love and light and oh so many hugs.

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  3. Hello, you don't know me but I came across your blog from another motherhood blog. I hope it's ok that I post this and I am so incredibly sorry for the losses you've experienced. I cannot imagine the pain of losing your children. My struggles are very small in comparison to your grief, but I've had PPD since having my son 18 months ago and have experienced negative self talk and spiraling thoughts. I often feel like an unworthy mother and I have not gone through the immense losses you have. I just wanted to offer some comfort. I'm sure you've been told this before, and I can appreciate that it's difficult to believe, but none of the things that happened to you and your babies are your fault. None of them. Just because your brain is making you feel like a bad mom doesn't make it true. Your losses happened TO your babies and YOU. You didn't cause them and you would have done anything to fight for your children if given the choice. From one struggling mom to another, I am so sorry and I wish you strength and peace.

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  5. Amber you have been through so much that it is so easy to see how you can blame yourself but a couple of things come to mind none of which makes me believe the thyroid actually caused the previous losses and even if they had a hand at any point as the other poster said you would have done anything you could to knowingly protect your children. That being said that f you are concerned about the current status of your thyroid, talk to both your RE and your therapist. Both are on your side having witnessed your traumatic losses. They may be able to secure a doctor to see you about your thyroid. Also keep one other thing in mind. You are pregnant and those lovely hormones are going to reek havoc on a woman who is already fragile. Please ensure you have all your supports in place to manage the hormonal roller coaster. You are a strong, brave and loving mother but you are not perfect so try to forgive yourself for any wrongs you may feel you have done to you children. Ib live you are far from being a terrible mother. You are a woman that has suffered great losses and even the strongest woman would have difficulty emotionally managing. You deceased children look down on you with smiles on their faces to bestow only love and light to come your way. Breathe my love and stay close to your therapist and personal support system as I said pregnancy hormones are hard enough on those that have not suffered as you have. I am thinking and praying for you.



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  6. You are pregnant.... TODAY. Keep remembering that. There is nothing selfish or bad about it. You want to bring love into this world.... nothing bad, only good. Take it easy on yourself. It will be ok. One day at a time... one second at time if need be <3

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