Right now I just want to cry. People seem to think I can do this, people seem to think it's going to be okay. It's not going to be okay. The last two days I've realized how utterly selfish I was in doing this final treatment. I'm a horrible mom to "Mary." How dare I try to get pregnant?
How will this end okay? I don't even see it being possible. I brought innocent life into a broken body. 3 other children didn't make it and I don't see why this is different. This is even worse because unlike last time when I didn't know I had thyroid issues, now I do know. And I still went and did it and now I can't find a good doctor to manage it. I only have doctors that look at what's in range and say I'm fine, which isn't true. It's 99 here and I'm in a sweater and socks because I am freezing cold. I have off/on heart palpitations. The one recommended doctor covered by insurance in my area, can't see me. Mary is going to die. I don't know when, I don't know how long, and I'll keep finding, because I owe him/her/them, but I'm a shit mom for this and I'm ashamed of myself.
I just wanted to bring another child home, another child to love, a child for Katie to grow up with, but I was selfish. Making kids is one thing, giving them a proper body to grow is another and I failed. I failed WITH knowledge this time and however this happens, I deserve it. I just hope Mary knows how sorry I am. How much I love him/her/them and how I didn't realize I was being this selfish until it was too late.
I'm also having a lot of guilt about Ivy. Poor Ivy, I was selfish then too. Getting pregnant and my poor son never had love from my heart. I did what I was supposed to do as far as food, drink, supps, etc, but I almost despised him for being him and not my twins. I'm just a very sick, awful person. I disgust myself.