Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Conflicting emotions

I'm the kind of person who always needs time to process information.  I usually tend to need things to sink in before knowing how I feel about something.  As yesterday's ultrasound sat in my mind and I processed it between work and dealing with some health issues concerning, Katie, I started to get sad.  My feelings are honestly all over the place.  My therapist is on vacay this week anyways, so I just have to deal with it.

I wanted a singleton, however, this began as a triplet pregnancy.  Even though two of the sacs stopped developing before a baby was formed, I still feel a loss.  I'm also feeling a lot of guilt regarding Emma, Chase, and Ivy.  Things I'm doing differently because they are gone, things doctors will do differently.  I'm thinking ahead in the future and, of course, they aren't in the picture.  They are my kids and I will love them with each breath of my life.  I miss them and wish I could bring them back, but they'll reside in my heart and hopefully in the heart of their siblings (and father), but as far as when I envision the future, it includes two children, Kate and "Mary."

So, I'm really struggling and having a new wave of grief with my three angels, plus trying to find in Mary's B & C.  Do I name them?  Is this a loss of potential pregnancy?  A loss of pregnancy?  Where they do they fit in?  What happened?  Why did they stop developing?  Is something also wrong with Mary A and I just haven't seen it yet?  I'm getting more scared for Mary A because I'm barely into the first tri and 2/3 of the pregnancy is already gone. I'm having a hard time finding the optimism for Mary A today.

I'm also having a lot of guilt with Mary's B & C, similar to my feelings with Ivy.  With Ivy, I had a hard time emotionally, and after I conceived him, I had a hard time accepting and wanting him.  And then her was gone.  Likewise I'd hoped and prayed for a singleton, because I'm high risk, because things ended badly with two, because the more babies I carry, the higher the chance of losing them, of prematurity, of defects, issues, etc. There's also the financial realities too, it would be very hard for me to afford that many children and provide a life for them.  I was going to accept what I got, but I feel like they all died because I "wished them away" so to speak.

I'm just very torn and having a hard time finding my way from here. I'm also worried about things in general.

1 comment:

  1. My first pregnancy was a "blighted ovum" an empty sac. It was painful and I was in the same boat as you...not sure if to name him (I did anyway because he was a 5 day embryo at one point). When I was pregnant with triplets I saw their heartbeats 4 times and then at 9 weeks Baby Bs just stopped. It was the most bittersweet feeling. I wanted ALL but I knew that it would give my twins a better chance. Being pregnant after a loss is SOOOO soo hard. There is no way around it. Each day there is fear, doubt, and anxiety-the entire time. But I just keep telling myself it will be worth it in the end. Feel every emotion you have. Hope for Mary A. He/She is strong right now and stuck for a reason. I'm sorry for your losses and I'm so happy Mary is beating away. Keep us posted.