Tuesday, August 9, 2016


It's been a week.  Lots of up and down and lots of emotions.  I had counseling yesterday and spilled them all out for her.  She agreed I'm still doing well and these thoughts are normal.  They don't get in the way of my day to day.  I don't cry all day long and can't function because of them.  I'm someone who's lost three children and none of this is easy.  I'm trying to believe in Mary, but every time I think about my ultrasound Monday I think of the day of Ivy's ultrasound.  So many feelings.

I am happy to be pregnant and to have this chance to bring Mary home.  I honestly didn't think I would get another opportunity, but I did.  I am glad that so far everything looks good.  I haven't had bleeding, spotting, or anything else scary. It makes me smile to think of bringing home a baby of watching Katie grow up with someone, of imagining what a new member might look and act like.

I'm so scared I'm going to lose Mary.  Scared of the ultrasound Monday, scared that even if that one goes well, I'm still very far away from bringing home Mary.  I'm scared that something is going to go wrong and I know until Mary is in my arms (and I pray this happens), I will just be in fear.  How could I not be?  

I feel guilty that I'm more happy and excited about this pregnancy than I was about Ivy.  I feel so guilty that Ivy got the worst of me.  I try to believe that he knows I love him and I'm sorry. Physically I did the right stuff. I didn't drink alcohol, watched what I ate, took progesterone, didn't drink coffee, etc.  Emotionally, I was grieving so hard I didn't have a chance to be happy about him.  I was also so scared I'd lose him I didn't want to connect.  My fears came true and I did lose him and in the end it didn't matter that I didn't emotionally open my heart, he was already there and it still hurt.  I feel guilty about all my angels, that they are gone, and now I'm daring to dream of a future where I see a different child grow up with Katie that isn't them.  A different child in my future.  My angels will always be with me in my heart, but it's not the same as having them in my home.

I'm hopeful that this time it might be different.  Maybe more like Katie, a few blips, but ultimately bringing home a baby.  I have hope that with so many members on board it's going to go well, that Mary will live and Mary will get to be raised by me and her dad and grow up alongside Katie.

No matter what I will never, ever have all my kids in my home.  I feel this emptiness, this hole where they should be and they aren't.  I wish I could have them all.  I wish I could hold them, I wish I could tell them I love them.  I wish I had one more day with each of them. I miss them so much.

I'm angry that my innocence is gone.  Mary will never be "safe" and it's never going to be okay until/unless Mary is placed in my arms.  There's no place in pregnancy where I can let the guard down, even if I reach viability, that doesn't mean Mary will come home and I know this. I'm angry when I see so many others celebrating because I feel robbed of this.  I'm angry that my other kids are not with me.  I'm angry that infertility has caused me to do treatments that put me at risk for multiples and a higher risk of not bringing home a living child.

I feel all of these and more.  Lately it's more overwhelming.  I'm trying to enjoy Katie with every minute I have and focus that today Mary is okay, as far as I know.  That right now I don't have a reason to worry, but the fears are still there. Praying so hard on Monday I see a heartbeat on the ultrasound. 


  1. I echo this. Innocence lost is I think the worst part (outside of losing babies). No pregnancy is safe, no point in pregnancy is safe, and even those first few weeks of baby's life in your arms are scary. I look forward to your update on Monday with a healthy baby!

  2. Hang in there! I've lost multiple babies, too, and understand the worries and fear associated with each pregnancy. Please don't be hard on yourself. Celebrate that you are pregnant with your Mary. You're in my prayers! Hugs!

  3. You are so I tune with your feelings. I'm always so amazed. There are no right or wrong ways to feel. I'm sending you hugs, love, positive thoughts, prayers, whatever you need to take this all day by day. Xoxo