I've been feeling upset a lot for the past few weeks. It started as a depression, but morphed. I get mad at DH for EVERYTHING. He's an awesome, laid back guy. Anyone who's met him, knows that he is truly one of a kind, will do anything for me guy. Lately though, I can hardly stand him. He just tells me good morning, and I feel rage. I've been fighting with him on every little thing, just really not being myself. I blamed hormones, mainly pregnancy.
Tonight it hit me. I'm not sure how or why it hit me, but I'm angry because of grief. I was talking to a good friend of mine. This is someone who became a really good friend to me AFTER I lost my twins. Her DD is the same age as Kate and she pulled me out of the house that first summer, listened to me cry, gave me hugs, brought me food, shopped with me for flag supplies, lets me bring them up whenever I want and acts casual about it, which is what I need. So, she is due one week ahead of me, but she's having twins. I'm being a supportive friends, but it hurts. It just does. I started getting angry that her twins (I assume the best) will be fine and mine weren't. I'm not mad she's having twins, I'm mad mine are gone. I started realizing as I was talking to her that my anger has to do with my grief.
I'm angry that the future I had planned changed. I'm angry that I will never raise ALL of my kids. I'm angry that my dreams and what I see in the future is different from what it once was. I'm mad that Emma, Chase, and Ivy are gone. I'm mad and I'm hurt. I'm not mad at my husband, it's not hormones, it's grief, it's loss. It's being angry that they are gone and yes, I'll remember them, and yes, I'll honor them, but they are gone. When I picture my future it's Kate and the baby I'm currently carrying. It's all it could ever be.
For almost a year now, my therapist asks, where is the anger? I don't really allow myself to feel it or exhibit it, but here it is. The anger is here, but what do I do?