Monday, September 12, 2016

Better days

So, I've calmed down A LOT since my prior meltdown and I'm doing better.  Had a conversation with someone Friday that really helped me.  It more than helped me, it was therapeutic and helped me move forward in my grieving, because I think I've become a bit stuck, especially being pregnant again.

I'm feeling a LOT more positive about "Mary".  Am I still scared?  Yes, I don't see much changing with that throughout the pregnancy and if I'm lucky, I'll be feeling scared until April.  However, I feel less doom and gloom.  I feel more excited about Mary as well.

I'm dealing with some guilt issues regarding Emma, Chase, and Ivy.  Different reasons for all 3, but still guilt.  I realized on Friday I need to stop looking at death as a bad thing.  It's a bad thing for ME.  I am sad.  I miss them.  I want them.  However, THEY are okay.  THEY are not hurting or suffering.  I'm trying to reframe myself into my feelings being mine and not projecting onto them.

Katie....  Still no answers from out appt on Thursday.  I called the GI to leave a message.  I am trying some gluten free stuff for both of us.  I apparently can't find a thyroid doctor, but I can do some things with diet and supps, so I'm going to approach it that way and focus on what I can control.  Gluten may or may not be affecting Katie, but it's worth a try.  I honestly rely a lot on gluten, so I'm working on cutting down and trying some substitution items and hopefully I can cut out.  I'm admittedly a very picky eater, which sucks.  However, I'm starting to make changes.

I'm not sure when to announce my pregnancy out in the open.  I originally thought 10/5 was a good date, I thought it would honor my 3 angels because the twins c/s date was 10/5 and Ivy's due date was 10/5, but now I feel like it would dishonor them.  I dunno, just really torn.

Just wanted to update for anyone interested that I'm mostly doing okay right now.


  1. I'm so glad you had someone there for you! I hope you find some answers for Katie!

  2. So glad to hear you are feeling better. I'm glad there was a friend there for you when you needed it most. I'm here 'listening' and sending love your way.


  3. Always reading, always here. You're stronger than you think you are. Hugs!

  4. Does your daughter eat dairy and soy? Was she breastfed or formula fed? I ask this because my daughter has had GI issues from birth and it is caused by MSPI and FPIES. Essentially their body attacks food proteins like a virus so you get loose stool, mucus in the stool, blood in the stool, abdominal pain, etc. Dairy and Soy are the worst but she struggles with other foods as well. We have been through 4 GI doctors since her birth.

  5. Lots of love to you always. I've been reading silently for the past couple of weeks.