Saturday, September 17, 2016

Never-ending Fear

I can't believe I even let my mind go to announcing or even thinking this could have a happy ending.  I'm honestly just back in my cluster of fear and it takes so little to put me there.

I got sick on Tuesday.  I was okay that morning and then as the day went on I felt worse and worse.  Close to when I was leaving work was so nauseated I thought I was going to pass out.  Then I just felt like ice.  When I walked through the door my mom said I had no color and felt warm.  I had a temp of 100.2.  It climbed throughout the day as I panicked.  I had no illness symptoms other than fever, shakes, and chills.  No sneezing, congestion, nothing.  I was really losing it when it hit 101 about two hours after the initial temp.  I took tylenol and tried to figure out what to do.

The ER wouldn't care.  I'm only 10 weeks, that's like I'm not even pregnant to them.  My RE.  Did they even have an emergency thing in place?  I had no clue.  My OB hasn't seen me yet.  I thought let me just try and get sleep and make it to morning.  I can call my RE and maybe get in for b/w and an u/s.  My fear was an infection, like with Emma and Chase.  At 1 something in the morning it was at 102 and the tylenol hadn't made much of a diff.  I decided to try my RE and sure enough they had an emergency line.  IMO my RE was a real jerk.  Told me it was "probably" viral and to take tylenol and not worry.  Not worry?  Last time I had a fever while pregnant, I lost two children.

I took the tylenol and it did help, I was finally able to get some sleep.  In the morning I tried my OB, but he wasn't in that day.  They offered to get me in with one of his partners, but it would be later that day and b/w results wouldn't be until the following day.  All I could think was Mary was already gone.  I had no rational though, I'd been fight or flight since I first took my temp.  I ended up going to the minor emergency clinic by my house.  It was a virus, as my RE thought, but it took b/w to confirm it.  They also checked me for flu and pneumonia. I know they thought I was crazy, but my last 3 fevers were the following:

1. E.coli-hospitalization
2. blood infection-hospitalization and the stillbirth of Emma and Chase
3. Pneumonia-very sick for a month and ended up with an URI after.

They used a doppler for all of a second to alieve my concerns about Mary and sent me home.  I didn't get much of a fever on Wed, but I was very lethargic and had sweats and chills all day long.  I took it easy.  Thurs I had it even milder and went back to work.  Yesterday I was mostly okay.

I am still emotionally terrified and I realized, once again, that very little is separating Mary from life and death.  I don't know how she's ever going to make it.  I don't trust my body and I don't trust doctors.  I am the only one in the family who was sick this week.  I am just petrified.

I am upset with my RE.  I spent $200 on a visit that should've cost $25.  He should've had me take the tylenol and come in first thing for b/w and an u/s and then sent me home.  Instead I ended up at an emergency center.  My RE has never even checked up on me.  I'll go to final appt Wed, but I'm ready to be done.  My OB's office really did try, I was just too terrified to think right at that point.  I'll see him on 9/29.


  1. It's mind boggling how little doctors seem to care about or understand our concerns. Your fear is based in the reality of things that have happened to you. I'm just so sorry it is this way. I wish I knew a secret for making it all feel better! I'm glad your fever came down and I hope you are on the mend. Will you get an US on 9/29? Hopefully at least Doppler!

    - Annielizbeth

    1. On 9/21 and 9/29 I'll get ultrasounds, luckily. I'm hoping my OBs office or MFM will be accommodating and understanding, at least until I can feel movement.

  2. Your reaction to this illness is completely understandable! What a horrible PTSD trigger. I'm sorry you had to feel terrified on top of feeling so ill. Medical professionals really should be more understanding and compassionate about how scary this was for you :( Have you thought about a home doppler to help you get through until you start to feel movement?

  3. Being sick while pregnant is so scary! I know I'm not the nicest person at 2am when I get called into work. I try to know and understand that the patient in being called in for needs me and this is my job...but I'm still tired, I may have worked a 12 hour day and may have to work a 12 hour day the next day or maybe I have the day off the next day but I still have to care for a toddler who doesn't care that mommy worked all night. Just trying to present the opposite side. Middle of the night calls are hard on medical professionals even if it's their job.

    It's hard to recall a patients story in the middle of the night as well. In the office they have the advantage of having your chart right in front of them. Your RE may have no idea it was you that called and may not remember your story when woken from sleep.

    I know you've had good experiences with this RE and his nurses...and I know how scary it is to be pregnant and sick (I was very sick from 18 weeks to 24 with a head cold and a massive RA flare).

    I'm glad you're feeling better! Pregnancy after loss is very very scary and every twinge feels different. This pregnancy is probably going to feel so much longer than Kate's (as difficult as her pregnancy was). I got a Doppler and used it from 13 weeks until delivery. It gave me a moments peace and I sometimes listened for awhile at night just know that there was in fact a second heart beating in my body.

  4. You need to CALM DOWN! Not every fever is a death sentence. Not every doctor is a moron because they don't buy into your panic and drama. You are not helping anyone by freaking out over EVERYTHING. QUIT dwelling on your dead babies and move on with your living daughter. She is probably having GI issues because you are freaking her out with your panic, anger, crying, etc. issues. STOP IT already. Relax and enjoy life and this pregnancy. Don't treat every hiccup in your body as something horrible. Stress will give you heart palpitations and all sorts of issues. You are making yourself sick. ENOUGH!!

    1. This response is cruel, and not at all helpful. PTSD is real and blaming her for her daughter's GI issues...seriously?!? ENOUGH!! with the cruelty and lack of compassion!

  5. LydiaofCO. It's people like you that make me hesitate to share my journey . If you cannot have compsssion do not come here to comment to her blog .

  6. Thank you all so much who are supporting me!! You guys are so awesome!