I can't believe I even let my mind go to announcing or even thinking this could have a happy ending. I'm honestly just back in my cluster of fear and it takes so little to put me there.
I got sick on Tuesday. I was okay that morning and then as the day went on I felt worse and worse. Close to when I was leaving work was so nauseated I thought I was going to pass out. Then I just felt like ice. When I walked through the door my mom said I had no color and felt warm. I had a temp of 100.2. It climbed throughout the day as I panicked. I had no illness symptoms other than fever, shakes, and chills. No sneezing, congestion, nothing. I was really losing it when it hit 101 about two hours after the initial temp. I took tylenol and tried to figure out what to do.
The ER wouldn't care. I'm only 10 weeks, that's like I'm not even pregnant to them. My RE. Did they even have an emergency thing in place? I had no clue. My OB hasn't seen me yet. I thought let me just try and get sleep and make it to morning. I can call my RE and maybe get in for b/w and an u/s. My fear was an infection, like with Emma and Chase. At 1 something in the morning it was at 102 and the tylenol hadn't made much of a diff. I decided to try my RE and sure enough they had an emergency line. IMO my RE was a real jerk. Told me it was "probably" viral and to take tylenol and not worry. Not worry? Last time I had a fever while pregnant, I lost two children.
I took the tylenol and it did help, I was finally able to get some sleep. In the morning I tried my OB, but he wasn't in that day. They offered to get me in with one of his partners, but it would be later that day and b/w results wouldn't be until the following day. All I could think was Mary was already gone. I had no rational though, I'd been fight or flight since I first took my temp. I ended up going to the minor emergency clinic by my house. It was a virus, as my RE thought, but it took b/w to confirm it. They also checked me for flu and pneumonia. I know they thought I was crazy, but my last 3 fevers were the following:
2. blood infection-hospitalization and the stillbirth of Emma and Chase
3. Pneumonia-very sick for a month and ended up with an URI after.
They used a doppler for all of a second to alieve my concerns about Mary and sent me home. I didn't get much of a fever on Wed, but I was very lethargic and had sweats and chills all day long. I took it easy. Thurs I had it even milder and went back to work. Yesterday I was mostly okay.
I am still emotionally terrified and I realized, once again, that very little is separating Mary from life and death. I don't know how she's ever going to make it. I don't trust my body and I don't trust doctors. I am the only one in the family who was sick this week. I am just petrified.
I am upset with my RE. I spent $200 on a visit that should've cost $25. He should've had me take the tylenol and come in first thing for b/w and an u/s and then sent me home. Instead I ended up at an emergency center. My RE has never even checked up on me. I'll go to final appt Wed, but I'm ready to be done. My OB's office really did try, I was just too terrified to think right at that point. I'll see him on 9/29.