Thursday, September 8, 2016

Vent-feel free to skip

I'm breaking down crying right now and I just have to get this out.  I doubt anyone even cares, so I'm just going to post here.  I just can't fucking anymore.  Just no.

I had to take Katie to the GI today, for a complaint I've had since she was TWO WEEKS old.  She turns 3 in December.

The GI was like, she's had issues for THIS LONG and she's just now here???  I'm feeling like POS mother of the year. I've brought this up to her pedi at every visit. He ordered an x-ray barium enema for today at the hospital because he was seriously concerned.

My poor, sweet, girl.  Thanks to home enemas for a week and two x-rays, she's already traumatized.  She starts to scream and cry at the very mention of a doctor.  Every day I have to assure her the following:

1. No x-ray
2. No doctor
3. No poo poo medicine

Today we had to do all 3. She was happy before and after the actual procedure, luckily. I can't be in the x-ray with her because of "Mary", so DH is there with her, but of course she wants mama, so I'm crying in the waiting room while I hear her scream outside.  I get her home.  She's calm, no BM, no pain, she's happy.  I put her down for nap, because it's been a looooong day and she's been through a lot.  She doesn't nap, she's a happy girl. She's quietly playing with toys.  I'm dead tired, been up since 1:30 am.  I start laundry, checking the crockpot dinner, catching up on work stuff, just trying to get done what I can.  I get her about an hour later because she's not napping and I don't like her to just be in her room.

I walk in to what I can't even describe.  She blew up all over her whole room.  The carpet everywhere, bedroom furniture, every stuffed animal, blanket, pillow case.  I have no words to describe except to say her room is brown.  I had to throw away the large green rug and spent over an hour scrubbing the rest.  DH had to scrub her while she screamed because she hates showers, but it was on her feet, toes, chest, everywhere.  She still had on a diaper.  A complete nightmare.

I'm so upset I couldn't get a fucking doctor to take this shit seriously for a long time now and now she has to go through all this.  I'm fucking tired of doctors.  I was scared to death about Emma and Chase.  This is why I switched OBs at 15 weeks.  No one was taking me seriously.  Every appt, I hurt, I feel horrible, I'm tired.  Here, take tylenol.  Tylenol masks fever.  I'm bleeding, I'm scared.  The u/s looks fine, urine is good.  They died.  My babies fucking died.  Now I'm pregnant again and can I trust any doctor? No.  I have to stay with who I had with the twins, because they'll at least take it more seriously.  I have to trust people I don't trust to protect "Mary" because my body can't do it.

My thyroid.  I can't get a fucking doctor to take this seriously.  Oh, your Hashimoto's isn't THAT bad.  You're on progesterone so it's okay your t3 is low.  It's not fucking okay.  It's not.

I can't anymore.  I'm just broken and scared and I don't know why it's so hard to get people to listen, to care, to do something.

I'm sure anyone who even took the time to make it this far (if anyone) is probably like there goes pregnant lady losing her mind over nothing.  I just seriously can't anymore.  I am so scared.  How is "Mary" even going to make it?  I'm only 9 weeks?  16 to viability.  A long ass time to term.  Viability only means a "chance", that's it.


  1. Oh, my goodness! I'm so, so sorry you had such a horrible day. And your poor Katie - that is awful. I hope you get some answers soon and she can start feeling better. You are not a terrible mom - it's not like you can get into a specialist without a referral, so you're not the one who dropped the ball here! Breathe and get through today. Hug your girl and try to believe that Mary is fine...and if you aren't able to believe that, I will believe it for you. Hugs

  2. Ohhhh Amber. I am so sorry for everything you ar dealing with. I'd shoulder your pain even for just a day of peace for you. You so deserve even just a day after all your heartbreaks. I am praying for you, your dear sweet Katie, for precious Mary, for your husband who suffers his own pains. I pray that answers come soon for Katie and that Mary continues to grow into a healthy full term baby. I have no words to makdescribe you feel better. I truly wish I did. All I can offer is a reminder to take things second by second, try to be forgiving of yourself as we are only just human after all, and try to take whatever moments of happiness you can find.

  3. Just sending hugs and prayers for a better day tomorrow

    You're a wonderful mom, wife and friend

  4. It's so frustrating, even maddening, to have to rely on someone else for something so very important. I know I've felt this way before with doctors and you have a million times the reasons that I do. I think your feelings are completely valid. The best I can say is to keep questioning the doctors. Keeping talking about all of this with your therapist. Keep reaching out to others to vent and be supported. Sending love and light.


  5. Oh my goodness poor Katie! That sounds awful. Seriously awful. I'm so sorry that happened. Sending you hugs. <3

  6. Stopping over from BBC, sending lots of hugs! Hang in there mama, you are amazing!

  7. This comment has been removed by the author.