I'm breaking down crying right now and I just have to get this out. I doubt anyone even cares, so I'm just going to post here. I just can't fucking anymore. Just no.
I had to take Katie to the GI today, for a complaint I've had since she was TWO WEEKS old. She turns 3 in December.
The GI was like, she's had issues for THIS LONG and she's just now here??? I'm feeling like POS mother of the year. I've brought this up to her pedi at every visit. He ordered an x-ray barium enema for today at the hospital because he was seriously concerned.
My poor, sweet, girl. Thanks to home enemas for a week and two x-rays, she's already traumatized. She starts to scream and cry at the very mention of a doctor. Every day I have to assure her the following:
1. No x-ray
2. No doctor
3. No poo poo medicine
Today we had to do all 3. She was happy before and after the actual procedure, luckily. I can't be in the x-ray with her because of "Mary", so DH is there with her, but of course she wants mama, so I'm crying in the waiting room while I hear her scream outside. I get her home. She's calm, no BM, no pain, she's happy. I put her down for nap, because it's been a looooong day and she's been through a lot. She doesn't nap, she's a happy girl. She's quietly playing with toys. I'm dead tired, been up since 1:30 am. I start laundry, checking the crockpot dinner, catching up on work stuff, just trying to get done what I can. I get her about an hour later because she's not napping and I don't like her to just be in her room.
I walk in to what I can't even describe. She blew up all over her whole room. The carpet everywhere, bedroom furniture, every stuffed animal, blanket, pillow case. I have no words to describe except to say her room is brown. I had to throw away the large green rug and spent over an hour scrubbing the rest. DH had to scrub her while she screamed because she hates showers, but it was on her feet, toes, chest, everywhere. She still had on a diaper. A complete nightmare.
I'm so upset I couldn't get a fucking doctor to take this shit seriously for a long time now and now she has to go through all this. I'm fucking tired of doctors. I was scared to death about Emma and Chase. This is why I switched OBs at 15 weeks. No one was taking me seriously. Every appt, I hurt, I feel horrible, I'm tired. Here, take tylenol. Tylenol masks fever. I'm bleeding, I'm scared. The u/s looks fine, urine is good. They died. My babies fucking died. Now I'm pregnant again and can I trust any doctor? No. I have to stay with who I had with the twins, because they'll at least take it more seriously. I have to trust people I don't trust to protect "Mary" because my body can't do it.
My thyroid. I can't get a fucking doctor to take this seriously. Oh, your Hashimoto's isn't THAT bad. You're on progesterone so it's okay your t3 is low. It's not fucking okay. It's not.
I can't anymore. I'm just broken and scared and I don't know why it's so hard to get people to listen, to care, to do something.
I'm sure anyone who even took the time to make it this far (if anyone) is probably like there goes pregnant lady losing her mind over nothing. I just seriously can't anymore. I am so scared. How is "Mary" even going to make it? I'm only 9 weeks? 16 to viability. A long ass time to term. Viability only means a "chance", that's it.