Monday, October 31, 2016

The Announcement

Feeling sick to my stomach and trying to get the guts to post this on social media, but this is it!  First official family picture.

Friday, October 28, 2016

17 weeks + update

I'm now 17 weeks!!  Can't believe I've made it this far, yet still a ways away from viability, but hey, everyday I'm closer.

I had my first progesterone shot today and I was pretty nervous about it.  I'd heard some icky things, but truth be told, it wasn't that bad.  The Novarel trigger shot is so much worse. Here's hoping this keeps Mary in until April.  18 more injections to go!!

I'm mostly doing okay.  I had a hard time last weekend and on the 20th, the twins EDD.  A very close friend of mine IRL is due one week before me and will be having twins.  Her ultrasound was 10/20, which hit home for me and then her gender reveal was a week ago.  She is having boy/girl twins and I'm elated for her, but the grief was real and I had my moments of sadness.  So much is being done this time, so much that Mary has a good a chance as possible to making it.  If something happens this time, it was literally out of everyone's hands.  I'm being checked for infections, cervial checks, progesterone shots, I'm taking supplements (pregnancy approved) to boost my immune system, keeping myself very healthy.  Watching for any and all signs of anything that doesn't feel right and I know should that happen, everything will be explored.  These are things that most likely would've saved their lives.  Ivy is different, because there was no way to save him from Trisomy 16.  The twins could've been saved.  Not saying it's anyone's fault, but I've had my moments of crying, my "what if" moments.  I accept that it's okay and normal, I grieve, I cry, I move forward.  I am so thankful and grateful to have a chance to bring Mary home and I feel more and more confident that I will.

Here are dates and things coming up:

Monday 10/31 - I'll be officially announcing my pregnancy on social media.  I'll post my announcement here as well.  Most people still do not know I'm pregnant.  I both show and don't show. It depends on what I wear and honestly some days I have more belly than others. Yesterday I realized I just do not fit into any of my pants anymore, so this weekend I'll be washing all my maternity stuff and embracing it.

Tuesday 11/1 - MFM appointment.  I'll be starting my cervical checks via ultrasound every two weeks until 24 weeks.  At that time we'll talk about how things are and if I need to continue with the MFM or not.

Thursday 11/10 - Anatomy scan with OB @ 19 weeks.   I'll have one with MFM too, but that will be scheduled on 11/1. Feeling less nervous about this since the CVS results came back normal.

Saturday 11/12 - Gender reveal!!! I'm honestly having an emotional time planning this.  It's more trigger than I realized.  However, Mary deserves to be celebrated in the same manner as my others.  I'll be 19 weeks, and that could be triggery for me.  At least it's after the anatomy scan and hopefully things will still be awesome.

Friday 12/16 - VIABILITY!!!! I'll be 24 weeks and it's also Katie's 3rd birthday!!  Hoping to really be celebrating this day.

This is the scary period for me.  I'm in the window where complications began with my prior pregnancies.  Katie's started at 16 weeks when I started bleeding, then twins at 18 weeks when I first had a real sign something was wrong. Truly hoping the scariest thing about this pregnancy was the Trisomy 18 scare.

Movement: I've felt a bit here and there, one day last week I felt Mary 3 times in one day!! Nothing daily or consistent in general though.  I'm guessing I will in the next few weeks. I also tried the doppler last week and found the heartbeat!!  That was awesome!!  Feeling a little nervous, so I'll probably do it again this weekend.

Overall things are going really great and for that I'm grateful!!  <3

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Thank you!!!!

Thank you guys so much for all the love, thoughts, messages, prayers, just everything.  I know who some of you are, but not all of you and I'm so thankful for everyone's support.

I've had a very scary few days, but if that's the worst thing that happens this pregnancy, I will happily take it!!!  Now that I've calmed down a bit and finally eaten and slept I can post more.  I do read all the comments, so if there's any questions I'm happy to answer or do another blog post if I think others might want to know as well.

I'm now 15.5 weeks.  It is believed that the false positive might've come from one or both of the empty sacs from Mary's B & C, since this was a triplet pregnancy at the start.  My MFM told me typically DNA from those sacs will dissolve within 2 weeks, but something that might've been a sac was seen on the u/s on Tues when I first saw my MFM and also everyone is diff. I'm guessing one or both of the other Mary's, unfortunately, had Trisomy 18.

What I got yesterday are called FISH results.  They are the initial results from a CVS.  It means I'll get the full results in about a week, but the MFM told me she's seldom ever seen where they FISH results indicate everything's fine and then the full report comes back with an issue.  She said since the genetic test and FISH test came back fine (and FISH ruled out Trisomy 18), she's expecting an awesome report back with the full genetic testing too.  I'm just so glad this Mary is okay and it's looking more and more like I'll bring her home.

The MFM set me up with the progesterone injections.  I'm supposed to start them within a week.  My insurance approved the shots along with a home health nurse to administer them.  I need to call the nurse today to set it up and get this!  Her name is MARY!!!  LOL!!!  The signs are everywhere.  I also saw a yellow butterfly yesterday on my way to check the mail and yellow is Mary's color, so I just feel really positive about everything.  I know there's still a long way to go, but I'm not going to let it take away from how far he/she has come.

I see my MFM again 11/1 and I need to set up an OB appointment as well since I ran out of there crying on Thursday and never even completed my appointment.

Here's a little snapshot of Mary last Thurs before the scary news.

Oh!  One last thing: Gender.  I did get gender results with all this testing.  I personally do not know the gender.  It's sealed in an envelope.  I need to plan a reveal with family and I'll have to talk to hubby and figure out when to do it.  We will all find out at the same time. I'm guessing within the next few weeks.  I want to enjoy and celebrate this amazing baby and the gender is just fun for me, not at all of importance.  I don't have a preference, just want a healthy, living baby.  I do think Mary is a girl though.  A few have asked if Mary is a girl will I keep Mary and the answer is no.  My MIL's name is Marianne and I worry that other family might feel slighted and most of them don't understand the reference.  Very few IRL people see this blog, this is mostly my safety net where I can post my heart and thoughts.  

Monday, October 17, 2016

Mary is...

PERFECT!!!! He/she is okay!! The FISH results point to a perfectly healthy baby.  I'm beyond relieved. I was so terrified of losing him/her. Still trying to get my heart back in my chest.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Wave of Light

Lighting these candles in memories of Emma, Chase, and Ivy.  I miss and love them so much.  My heart aches for them daily.

I'm also hoping with all my heart not to be adding a fourth candle next year.  I'll update Monday once I know for sure.  Thank you for everyone who's thinking of me and all my kids.  Your thoughts, prayers, and messages mean so much tome.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Bad News

I was hoping for a different post today, but life is what it is.  Mary's progenity test (blood DNA) tested positive for Trisomy 18.  I was given a 50-60% chance he/she has it.  I had to have a CVS done today, this is where they take some tissue from the placenta to test it.  The CVS is 100% accurate.  I'll know Monday if Mary has Trisomy 18 or not.

Friday, October 7, 2016

Second Trimester!!

Hard to believe, but here I am, 14 weeks!  I'm officially in the second trimester and right now hoping I make it smoothly to the third.

I'm mostly doing okay.  I still hardly have any energy and work is just hard.  I'm constantly exhausted and struggling to stay focused.  As I'm typing this, I just want to sleep.  Sleep is something I struggle with in general.

I've had some anxiety and panic attacks this week.  I have to say it's definitely increased, but it's hard to say why.  I know Ivy's due date was a trigger and I guess other things are too.  Trying to stay positive and go a day at a time.  I had a bleeding scare last weekend.  I thought I was bleeding, but then realized when I put in for my new progesterone script the pills came back red.  Stupidest thing in the world to make red progesterone pills.  I mean who does that????  At least I know it's that and not blood.

Still no luck with the doppler, but I suspect I'm just doppler challenged.  I am starting to feel some bubbles and little something here and there.  Not much and not daily.  I do look forward to movement.

The MFM office called me yesterday and got me scheduled for Tuesday.  I'm actually really upset at them. When I got the call to schedule, I was asked if I was currently pregnant with twins.  My heart just stopped and I didn't even know what to say.  I just said, no, they died.  The lady then says, oh, but you are currently pregnant?  I'm like yes, pregnant with one baby.  Then she got me scheduled.  No sorry, no nothing.  I was so upset by the phone call I ran a red light after getting off the phone and then I pulled over until I could calm down enough to drive safely. The whole thing just caught me off guard and its like please read your notes more carefully before calling me.  Then I'll see my OB on Thursday too.

I am so lucky to have all this extra monitoring and extra care to increase the chance of a healthy, full-term Mary, but the appointments also come with anxiety and it's been hard to juggle work.  If things still look good next week, I'm hoping maybe I won't have anymore until the anatomy scan next month.  We'll see. I can handle anything that helps Mary.

Struggling with what to do regarding a gender reveal too.  It's a bit triggery for me since I went to the ER the morning of Katie's with unexplained bleeding (low-lying placenta) and then Emma was born the day of hers.  I want to do this since I did it for my other viable pregnancies, but just struggling with it all.  I'll try talking to DH this weekend.

Last a picture from last week.  This was 13 weeks and I was feeling pretty positive after my OB appointment.  I'm a lot bigger at night, but overall not showing much, luckily, since I really haven't come out with it at this point.  I'm thinking of announcing on Halloween and have a cute announcement planned, just need to do it.  I'll be 17 weeks then.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Ivy's Due Date

Today is October 5th, my EDD with Ivy.  It's hard not to think about what it would be like to be having him right about now (assuming I would've given birth full-term).

Ivy is special to me for many reasons.  One thing about Ivy is he is the one who pushed me towards healing.  I didn't realize how bad a place I was until I was pregnant with him and having such a hard time emotionally.  Pregnancy after loss is hard, there's lots of fear, disconnect, grief, but there's also hope, promise, and some healing.  I was in such a bad place at that time I couldn't let anything good in.  I remember being angry I was even pregnant with him.  I never, ever wanted to lose him, but I was so scared it would happen.  I was scared to let myself love him.  Scared to see him as another child who could join my family and instead viewed him as the baby I might have because my twins died.

Because of Ivy, I'm doing better with Mary.  I hit rock bottom after Ivy and seeing how I was when I carried him and how much I struggled after, told me I needed to be in a different place if I was going to attempt this again.

I wonder what Ivy would've looked like, how his personality would've been.  I hope he and the twins are close and get along.  I love him so much and I'm so grateful for him.

I had severe anxiety yesterday, pretty much panic attacks.  I ran out of the building I was in and sat in my car and wasn't sure I could get it together.  I somehow did and made it through my day.  I held my Ivy bear all night and thought about him.  I decided this morning that yes, there's grief, but there's also love.  I wanted the love to be stronger than the grief, so today I've done a lot better.  Today I've let in the love that is Ivy and for the most part I'm doing well.  I have counseling later on, so hopefully that will help as well.

To my wonderful son, Ivy!  You are loved, you are missed, you will ALWAYS be a part of my family.  Thank you for being my son and a part of my life.