Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Ivy's Due Date

Today is October 5th, my EDD with Ivy.  It's hard not to think about what it would be like to be having him right about now (assuming I would've given birth full-term).

Ivy is special to me for many reasons.  One thing about Ivy is he is the one who pushed me towards healing.  I didn't realize how bad a place I was until I was pregnant with him and having such a hard time emotionally.  Pregnancy after loss is hard, there's lots of fear, disconnect, grief, but there's also hope, promise, and some healing.  I was in such a bad place at that time I couldn't let anything good in.  I remember being angry I was even pregnant with him.  I never, ever wanted to lose him, but I was so scared it would happen.  I was scared to let myself love him.  Scared to see him as another child who could join my family and instead viewed him as the baby I might have because my twins died.

Because of Ivy, I'm doing better with Mary.  I hit rock bottom after Ivy and seeing how I was when I carried him and how much I struggled after, told me I needed to be in a different place if I was going to attempt this again.

I wonder what Ivy would've looked like, how his personality would've been.  I hope he and the twins are close and get along.  I love him so much and I'm so grateful for him.

I had severe anxiety yesterday, pretty much panic attacks.  I ran out of the building I was in and sat in my car and wasn't sure I could get it together.  I somehow did and made it through my day.  I held my Ivy bear all night and thought about him.  I decided this morning that yes, there's grief, but there's also love.  I wanted the love to be stronger than the grief, so today I've done a lot better.  Today I've let in the love that is Ivy and for the most part I'm doing well.  I have counseling later on, so hopefully that will help as well.

To my wonderful son, Ivy!  You are loved, you are missed, you will ALWAYS be a part of my family.  Thank you for being my son and a part of my life.

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