Today is October 5th, my EDD with Ivy. It's hard not to think about what it would be like to be having him right about now (assuming I would've given birth full-term).
Ivy is special to me for many reasons. One thing about Ivy is he is the one who pushed me towards healing. I didn't realize how bad a place I was until I was pregnant with him and having such a hard time emotionally. Pregnancy after loss is hard, there's lots of fear, disconnect, grief, but there's also hope, promise, and some healing. I was in such a bad place at that time I couldn't let anything good in. I remember being angry I was even pregnant with him. I never, ever wanted to lose him, but I was so scared it would happen. I was scared to let myself love him. Scared to see him as another child who could join my family and instead viewed him as the baby I might have because my twins died.
Because of Ivy, I'm doing better with Mary. I hit rock bottom after Ivy and seeing how I was when I carried him and how much I struggled after, told me I needed to be in a different place if I was going to attempt this again.
I wonder what Ivy would've looked like, how his personality would've been. I hope he and the twins are close and get along. I love him so much and I'm so grateful for him.
I had severe anxiety yesterday, pretty much panic attacks. I ran out of the building I was in and sat in my car and wasn't sure I could get it together. I somehow did and made it through my day. I held my Ivy bear all night and thought about him. I decided this morning that yes, there's grief, but there's also love. I wanted the love to be stronger than the grief, so today I've done a lot better. Today I've let in the love that is Ivy and for the most part I'm doing well. I have counseling later on, so hopefully that will help as well.
To my wonderful son, Ivy! You are loved, you are missed, you will ALWAYS be a part of my family. Thank you for being my son and a part of my life.