Saturday, November 12, 2016

Rainbow Mary is a......

Gender reveal day came!  First time ever I didn't end up in the ER, yay!!  The progesterone shots are doing their thing.  Everything looks good!  I'll post more pics of decorations and stuff later when DH gets them off the camera, but for now to share to what everyone wants to know.

I LOVE this cake that our person made!  So gorgeous and it helped bring me peace when I got it.

So, is "Mary" a boy or a girl?



Thursday, November 10, 2016

Anatomy Scan

I'm 18w6d, the same gestation I was when Emma was born.  Tomorrow will be the same as when Chase was born.  It's hard to explain how I feel.

I had my anatomy scan with Mary this morning and he/she is doing wonderful. Everything looks good and in general it's been a good pregnancy so far.  I'm feeling more and more optimistic about bringing Mary home.

However, I do think about my twins.  Wish they'd gotten this level of support, of help.  They'd be here.  I'm trying not to just stay stuck on that because I can't change it, but it still hurts. It's hard to explain, it's a lot of emotions.

So, here's a shot of Mary from today.  Gender reveal on Saturday.  I'll be sure to share.

Saturday, November 5, 2016


Just a small victory I wanted to share.  I'm now 18w1d with Mary, and this is the farthest I've ever made it in any pregnancy without complications.

With Katie I started having complications at 16w0d and with Emma and Chase it was 18w0d. Both of these were within 1.5-2 weeks of stopping progesterone. I've been on my progesterone injections for two weeks now after being on suppositories since 2 dpiui.

I am still scared and having a lot of PTSD.  I think November may end up being my toughest month.  My therapist has increased my sessions for this month to help me and I'm working on it a day at a time.  Treasuring the good moments (now) and hanging on during the tough ones. Still 5w6d to viability (but who's counting).  This moment I feel hopeful I'm going to make it. I know viability isn't my ultimate goal, but it's a milestone where the baby has a chance, even if it's only 50%.  My real goal is not a day sooner than April.

Anatomy scan with my OB this Thursday (11/10) and gender reveal one week from today (11/12).  Some of my PTSD is around the reveal, along with gestation. I went to the ER with both Katie and the twins with their reveals. Meeting with a good friend of mine tomorrow to help me plan it and I told the cake lady my situation and she said she'd take care of everything to only drop off the envelope and check and pick it up in a week. This moment I'm feeling optimistic about the reveal and I'll be mailing out the invites today.

Okay, deep breath, one day and one moment at a time.  This moment I'm 18w1d, Mary is doing awesome, I'm feeling well.  It's going to be okay.  We're going to make it.  I know my sweet and precious angels are cheering us along and continue to be a part of my family.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

7 ounces

I had my first cervical check with the MFM today.  Every two weeks she'll be measuring my cervix and seeing I'm dilated at all and checking for any sign of IC (incompetent cervix) or PTL (pre-term labor).  It's not believed I have IC, just PTL, which the progesterone shots should hopefully be helping with.

My cervix measured 6.31 cm today, which is awesome!!  You want over 4 cm.  So right now there's no sign of cervical shortening.

She also did a sort of anatomy scan where she measured and checked all diff parts of the baby.  I'm 17w4d today and she got most everything except the heart.  Everything looked normal, just some things she needed in the heart are still too small at this stage.  I also go the final a-okay on my CVS that this baby is genetically fine.

Then she told me how much the baby weighed today.  The baby is 7 oz.  7 oz.  That number struck a chord. Chase.  My beautiful, perfect Chase, was 7.2 oz at birth.  This baby was now the same weight as my oldest son when he was born.  I couldn't stop thinking about Chase after that moment. Chase, who should've just had his second Halloween. Chase at 7.2 oz whom I held.

The twins were born at 19 weeks and I am now 17 weeks.  I know what pretty much what this baby would like if he/she was born today. I can't stop seeing this baby and hoping I don't see him/her except via ultrasound, for quite a while still.

I cried a lot this afternoon after I got home from work.  Cried in grief for my son.  So far this baby is growing an oz a week (MFM said baby was 4 oz three weeks ago) so in two weeks when I return for my next check, baby will be about 9 oz.  Emma was 9.0 oz at birth.

I miss my kids so much.  I wish this had been done for them.  God, I wish I'd had the care then that I do now.  The white blood cell checks for infection, the cervical monitoring, all of it.  They'd be here, I know it.  They would.

I'm also having a hard time with my gender reveal.  It's at 19 weeks.  This month will be hard, these weeks hard.  I want to cancel it and just hide.  I just don't care what the gender is.  I feel like I should do this because I know the reveal has nothing to do with the outcome of the pregnancy.  Also, I did it for Katie and I celebrated and I had pictures.  I did go to the ER the morning of hers, with bleeding.  So the whole gender reveal thing is triggery.  But how do I tell this baby one day I was too scared to believe in you to celebrate?  I can't do that and so I'm trying, but it's just so hard.  I don't even know how I'm going to get the clubhouse it's at decorated.

I know this post is all over the place.  Just having a hard time tonight.  I'm glad Mary is doing well.

I'm having some BH that I'm tracking and also a lot of pelvic pain.  If I'm on my feet about an hourish, it hurts so bad I want to cry and I can hardly move.  My MFM recommended a belt, so I got one from amazon that should be here Thurs.